The First Day Of Christmas.

What's the true meaning of Christmas? I'm on the search for the true meaning of chrsitmas and I don't know where to look? I remember when I was a child christmas was about toys and clothes and over the years the meaning of christmas has changed into this sad day for me. Well not a sad day just a day where I think about family or the family I wish I had. I grow up in foster care so christmashas been this reminder of a family I lost a long time ago. So what does christmas mean when you have the family or love one to share it with. So this is my first day of christmas where I look for a deeper meaning of chrsitmas. So where should I look? So what does christmas mean to you?  The First Day Of Christmas.

Hoilday's Alone.

I wish I could say I'm sad about not having a love one or children around for the holidays but I'm not. I'm single with no children or a life partner and I'm happy. First let me explain why I'm happy. I'm not working I have no money I'm worried about losing my apartment and work is very slow. Yes it's stressful but just think how stressful it would be if I had other people to think about. I only have myself to worry about and it makes it so easy to get through this rough time. I don't know if its me but being black in Los Angeles is making it very hard to get work. I believe if I was in New York I would have gotten something by now.  Plus it's not like am in my twenties which in Los Angeles is a no , no and I'm not the best looking guy on the block which in Los Angeles is another no, no. I never had these thoughts in New York but here in Los Angeles I do. But at the end f the day I will not let other people problems become my problems.  This is also my doing I'm trying to work in Hollywood I do have several degrees in the arts, so I could get a real job and live out my last days doing a job that I hate instead am trying to live out my dream at this point in my life. So you do what you have to do to make ends meet that are within the law. I would love to be in love someday but right now I want to live the dream. I have no point this RANT. I'm just talking and I'm doubt anyone's listening to the rants of a single man. I do have a feeling this is going to be a great holiday, a holiday I will never forget. I'll keep you posted. Love you.

What If.

I feel like am losing any sense of hope. That sense that my life will change, get better. So I'm waiting for something to happen to change. But if I had that chance to be something or make something happen I would. What if I won the lottery? If I won the lottery the first thing I would do is give money to my few friends I have hurt. If I won the lottery I would make me a movie, a million dollar movie. A loft  , brand new car, some work done on my face and body. I would get a bigger penis. Why not, if women can get their breast larger. Why can't I get a bigger penis. I would travel the world for a year. If I won the lottery I would call my real parents and tell them to kiss my natural black ass. I need some real change in my life and the only change I really want is MONEY. Life sucks without cash. What if I won the lottery I would change everything about me. Everything about me would change.  I wouldn't even look like me. If I won the lottery I would change my life and those few friends who I love.

BYE, BYE

Good luck to everyone.

Making a Mess Of Things.

I made a mess of things, and once again I can't hold my head up high. I was working on this project and I found myself getting upset with the person I was working with you know. It was every where I was, their that person goes and that started getting under my skin, plus the fact I felt like it just wasn't working for me, for some reason this wasn't the person I wanted to spend any time with. I would call home complaining, how did get myself in this mess. I just wanted to get it done, but in a positive way. Well things got bad towards the end, I'm not upset that this person it's talking to me. I'm just upset how this project came to an end. It really looks bad for me, really looks bad. I work with these people at Wolfgang Puck and the gossip is horrible. i want to walk away from this job.

What Beast Do I Share My Table With.

Come eat of my Heart, dine at my table of joy/What beast are you dressed as today,Share of my hopelessness as I dance on the grave of your soul-come feast at my creativity of death, WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH? Grab the fruit from the dead weeds at your feet,drink from this cup you beast of proud/ tape this spilled oil around your eyes,and spit up the rotten smell from your soul, Let the tramps walk in front of monkeys who laugh at  that knife that has fallen from my knees/ give me your hand as I pull myself up from the smell of your disguise,WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH?/ Reach into your month and bring out that serpent/ that drinks of your flesh/ I employ you to dine with roaches at my feet/ Put the bucket under your eyes, for your CHRIST passes judgment as he gets drunk from that bitter small of rotten sex. What beast do I share my table with.  Change your direction for you have lost that strength of coolness/WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH? How high must I go to escape the walk of your breath/ Why do you dine at my table? 

Service To Yourself.

When can I hold my head up high? When will I be good enough for myself, Can the stars come and meet me half way-Will I able to hold my head up, when the clouds around me are folding in. Can I stand still where the lights has gone dim- Hear my heart cry as the joy slips from my finger-, I have lost all hope in my toes for the road has become rough under my feet-can you listen to the sound of the whispers that crush against my thoughts-Oh angels take this sadness from my shoulders, for my mouth has lost it's way- why can't you care for me, when the flowers have lost it's voice and the wind no-longer walks beside me-you stomped over my eyes , while you stabbed me in my center, the center that creates my heart, what passion do you carry in your pelvis, what sex do you enjoy, remove that mask, you have placed over those cold eyes. I have cornered myself in this little space that as no face for me to notice.you have cheated me out of my creativity , stole what is my speech into the outside world.  I fear, what monster I have invited into the space where god stand stills, you dress yourself under the carnival of clowns, nibbling as a rat nibbles and the leftovers from the dead- Cough up my spirit, take your coward-less soul out of the way of my light/ stand tall you beast, traveling along the pathway of passion,that walks under your feet, your feet of ice. Shut up/for you have nothing hidden between your breast,but the runs of miss place plastic of waste/ will you carry me when god has danced his last dance.  What service do bring to the table where god has forgotten your name.