The Rain Always makes me think.

Deciding on something new.  Last week was my birthday and I wish I could say I have everything I want and need. But that's so far from the truth I could almost kill myself.  I didn't have any dreams when I was a kid. I was to busy trying to stay alive. There was so much sadness in my life It's a wonder I can smile today.  My biological sperm donor father was a monster and I mean a monster. Between my father's beating my mother for breathing to fast and his kids for just looking at him. I guess I'm alright but not really.  I'm looking for something to isolate from the sadness. At one point I thought it was drugs and lots of them.  I just wanted to eat , sleep and breath drugs. But after a while it just became to heavy and to painful, plus they had stopped working. I thought sex would shield me from myself but that became to much and the stress was starting to eat at me. Nothing seemed to be working, plus there were so many other things I had to deal with about me. About me? I thought I had been thinking about me.  Everything I did I thought It was about me. I thought everyone was out to get me, hurt me, and take things away from me. So I have never loved, because I don't want anyone to take that away from me. So I haven't loved.  When It rains, I always feel like it's God telling me to wash away my worries, To start a new. To decided on something new. As a stated earlier I just had a birthday and I'm feeling like I'm choking. I don't know why I feel like I'm choking or maybe I do. I just know the rain makes me think.  Think about love, the pain of love, or the not to love, but it's not something I m looking  for in another person. Not looking for someone to love me nor have I meant anyone that I would want to love or I would want to love me.   Maybe its fear, fear is all I 've had to comfort me in my life. Fear has always been with me inside my mother's womb. I was born into a family of fear. That's the one thing that shit of father passed to me, was his fear. The rain always makes me think about my life and what road I would like to travel on. If I had a million dollars I would leave this place and travel the world. I wouldn't even pack my things. I would just leave and never look back. I have come to realize I will never love, but this journey is about me loving myself my childhood was more then just the beatings, it was about everything that could happen to a little black boy. Things I wish I hadn't been apart of.  The darkness is just starting to pass. So everytime it rains I feel like god is telling me it's alright to come out. I've washed the clouds away for you  today. The Rain Always makes me think, THIS TO SHALL PASS. I feel a lot better about me and I love being alone, not in bad way not hiding from the world, but being alone. I hated being me, so much, I hated everything about me. The  way I looked, talked, my smile, the way I dressed, my walk, everything. But know I'm starting to like me a bit and I'm not afraid of being alone,nor I'm I afraid of dying. So the rain has passed and a new day is upon me.  So maybe tomorrow it'll rain for me and once again will be telling me this to shall pass and I've washed your worries away my son.