Dam I can't figure this out.

Life just seems to keep on moving with you or without you.  I seem to be in this little cross road of my life and I can't figure this shit out. This how I see myself, someone with a strong point of view , a visionary , a artist with lots of passion , but nothing seems to becoming out.  I look into the mirror and I see me looking back, that always worries me, but it's not the me I have in my head.  Dam I can't figure this out! The older I get the wiser I do become, but I still can't figure this shit out. I wanna scream and shout while pulling my own hair out of my head.  I need a body make over, I need a good male trainer to get me into the best shape to turn this body into a body of a Greek God.  Dam I can't figure this out.  I don't wanna be here in Los Angeles anymore, I would like to pick up and leave tomorrow. I have this project to finish and I just wanna get it finish and I want these wonderful actors to look good.  It's a lot of work putting a film together, I couldn't have done it without the help of my co-worker.  This young woman has been really great and she's going to be working in Hollywood someday.  Dam I can't figure out which way to go , to turn, what to look at.  I have this wonderful person in my life that I don't get see alot , but I talk to everyday and they move me to become a better person, a better lover, a better friend and artist. Dam I can't figure this out. but what I do is that people I love are back at home and the people that move me are back at home with a few guy friends here who have taught me a lot about inner love.  But yet I can't figure out what direction to take my life.

Crushes, are a bad thing.

It's hard having a crush on someone who doesn't even know you're alive. I've been there and it's hard, very hard. I have a feeling that someone may have a crush on me. The funny thing about crushes it's never anyone who you would like. Yes it's never good to have a crush, I just hope it never crosses the line, the line to where I must say. I'm just not into you.  I've done everything in my power to  ignore anything that could be taken as a flirt or something.  I just would like to get out of this thing as fast as I can, which means it's going to change where I go with my feature film project. I just need to be around people who are there for the work not for any other reasons. Just sharing my thoughts with you.

Somewhere out there.

I never thought my life would be this. This meaning so unhappy, unhappy in the fact that I thought I would be famous, living my dream. Running around Hollywood with my head in the clouds, but instead I have this life, this life that just has nothing going on. But I've decide that I'm not ready to give up on my dreams but time isn't on my side.  I'm working on this project although I'm not really happen with the scripts and I'm working with talented young actors, I just feel I could do better and my personal life it's moving as well as everything else is moving.  Some where out there my dream is waiting for me to catch up with it but I can't seem to grab it right now. Well this project is giving me some kind of creative outlet , but it's not enough.  I just have to make sure that I stay the course with this project and the wonderful actors. I wish I was working with classmates, then I could really get something done, something good.  Some where out there hope and love is right around the corner. I must believe that.  I hate when people have a crush on me because it's always the folks that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank God I won't have that problem on this project, that would be a Nightmare! Some where out there beneath the gray moon stars love and my dreams are waiting for me to join them. 

Looking deep inside yourself.

I had the strangest thing happen last night. I had a co-worker, a  team player in this creative projected that we have been working together make a comment to me about one of the guys being on the down low. All because of his movement. I laughed at first at the silliness of the question and the thought. I wasn't entertained at all, It would have been different if the person was Hallie Berry, or Heidi Klum, I would have still been upset, but it would have been different, because these women don't  come across as Lesbians or  they don't have masculine movement.  I've learned along time go never try to figure out who's gay or straight unless I thought you were hot and I wanted to sleep with you,but this isn't that AT ALL! So I never thought nor cared, but when this person said that then I recalled all the movement this person has done that could be read as gay, a women on the dl.  What makes this even sadder it's black people and it's always the black people that might be gay or ten years from now be with the same sex partner, it's always those blacks who are so quick to judge.  So I got to thinking why are people who carry the same trait so quick to judge others are they not looking deep within their selves.  I wished I would have said this to the person last night, not to be mean but to make a point.  Just when you think you know someone you learn you don't although I should have known this consider early before I met one of the actors, this person informed He's Gay, which I thought does she know him and he's said it to her, but anyone I didn't understand what that had to do with anything, I didn't believe if the person would been white if they would have said that, they would waited for me to met them and if as the director would said something I believe then their concerns would have come out, not shouting ,he's gay. That's like someone saying and he's black.   So when I find myself judging others I ask myself to look deep inside me and I have learned a glass house shouldn't be throwing stones!  As black people life is to hard for us and we don't need to be working against each other, let people live it's not your concern and if they haven't told you, then don't point fingers and for sure don't point fingers if you fit in that same shoe.  The kettle calling the kettle black.  Energy doesn't mean a thing if you aren't connect to the truth of your energy. That thing that you call energy is just a judgement, cause if a black man with strong masculine energy and strong movements step your way you would think he's straight and on the top of that he was always calling someone a faggot and the next minute you and him are HIV POSITIVE so what happen to that energy a woman knows. Yes a woman knows not a little girl. Looking deep inside yourself and find the truth before you point any fingers and once you connect to that place. You want care because it's about letting people live thier lives.
Working on this project is helping me learn to judge other people lives and it's alway helping me with this rage and fear I have for my own people who have brought me so much grief in my life.  Let love move you and leave the judgement at the door and let God move within that space and you'll see your heart will grow and as for black folks lets focus on the things that really matters.