A Leader Of The Pack.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you we're willing to do anything for? Maybe? I was the head of this project. I was it's leader and I failed. I keep playing the last 4 or 5 months in my head. Asking myself when did I drop that ball and I keeping dropping that ball.  That failure has really put me into the dark house. I knew I was heading for failure just by the connection I had to the things around me. Which was none what so ever. I wasn't sure of myself because I wasn't listening to my gut feeling.  I didn't cast anything right, the writings we're so weak.  It was like walking through a gym of testosterone, trying to battling Queen Latifah and Mclight out at the mics.  I had this inner voice that was telling me. This isn't the project it will be your undoing. I wasn't moving from the center, from the bass of my passion. I was surrounded by thinkers and feelings and self expression wasn't on the table. And what feelings I saw in the group. I turned my back and and catered to the strong, the emotionless , the hard to read, the coldness of the world. I was lost this black and white world.  I couldn't organized my thoughts, my feelings. I was scared to touch the beast. The beast that was riding my thoughts. I was the leader of the pack and I couldn't lead the platoon to the promise land. I feel like a wounded captain waiting for the war to pass.  I had this feeling it was a us and them, it was never a we. I hated the us with a passion, the us was cold, disconnected. I was powerless over this beast. That kept me in my head. I can't hide my feelings, am not made of ice, I can't not share my feelings am not into pretending. Is a leader cold, is a leader strong with showing his weakness. I'm ashamed, I can't like those people in their face after I wasted their time. I wasn't the leader of the pack, there wasn't anything of me to lead. They will never understand how sad I'm and I can't share this with them. I can't face the darkness, coldness of the air, the beast in the room, myself. I was surround by this army of men,women and super women and I lead them into the war zone and I lost lives.  I wasn't ready to be the leader of the pack.