It Was Wrong From The Start.

I wasted money and my time for the last six month that I can't get back. But there was a learning curb, to trust yourself , to trust your insights. I was working on this project and I choked myself in the process. I don't work well with all people and those same people don't work well with me. I love the creative process I love working with actors who have studied their craft  at acting school. Actors who have put their blood and sweat into their craft. Actors who are not looking for you to feed them everything. who aren't always asking what does the director want. So I can give it to him. I'm creative person, with feelings, a strong sense of my inner being, Comfortable in my body, comfortable in my sex.  I started a project that was dead in the water from every inch of the page. I was choking I was more worried about some of those people talking about me, instead of investing my heart, I invested my fears. This process was more then I can handle. I don't write with them in mind and I wanted to change that, and I failed. I need to write what I'm comfortable with. I need to write the stories. I know. I failed at this a temp and I'm sure it will not come back to bite me and if it does that would mean the hole world is coming to a end and it wouldn't make a difference in any way. For those I hurt forgive me. I have faith in those who have studied their craft , not with a class here and there, not with some college credit.  I learned I'm horrible at casting I got it wrong every time. And you know black folks I'm being called all kinds of faggot, and other horrible names, he's a mess, it was organized, he didn't know what he was doing, Their right I got it wrong with them. I wasn't able with them to bring my a game. You win some and you lose some. I lost this one and they only way I can so my face to them. Is to kick my personal project out of the water and invite them to show them what you experience wasn't who I 'm and I can do this. So when they talk, they will know it was just that process I failed short of. I will kick ass on this project SIST"AH , am making real changes and I'm paying someone to help me write this. I will get this right and show these people Sunday was a mistake, I lost my cool but I'm better then that and I can do better. Instead of people coming to me. They want else where, there was so much side talk and another MAN started running the show, I lost my voice and I gave up my power at the start of the game. I saw  this coming and I'm not surprise this happen, I told my cousin and several of my friends back at home this wasn't going to end pretty.  I will make sure  I  have people around who I trust and I'm not being choke to be like them.  I will moved forward and close the door to this experience and stay in contact with the actors I really want to work with and I will do what I need to get back in good standing with the couple. I'm better then what I showed Sunday. It's time for me to step up to the plate. This was a bad ideal from the start. No not the ideal it self, just some parts of it. Those parts I will not experience again.