What! The Hell!

Sometimes, I just wish everyone would just shut their pie hole.  Talking heads are every where there is no getting away from all the talking heads.  Everyone seems to have a opinion about nothing, and I mean nothing. So I say 'What the Hell'! I seem to have a problem.  I can't stop listening to all the talking heads, you know what I mean. Ok I love gossip ,right, Hollywood gossip, not the boring gossip of friends or co-workers,I really don't care about them or their lives, so I keep my noise clean when it comes to the boring people in my life. Not that their boring, They stay out of my life and I stay out of their lives. Between watching ET NEWS, CNN, MSNBC, ACCESS HOLLYWOOD, TMZ, COURT TV, it's a wonder I ever leave the house. Ok , Point I'm trying to make is I need a life, but I don't know what kind of life I need. Next month is another birthday, and it's not looking good. I'm looking good, but the birthday isn't looking good. I want their life, you know tv anchors life, report's life. A life working for one of those great gossip news papers. That would a great life doing something that I love. What the hell, but is that really a life. A life I could be proud of? I have a master's in theatre , several certificates in dance, post production, acting, writing from different programs and what do I have to show for it? 200,000 in students loans, WHAT THE HELL!  Making movies is what I really would love to do,but I can't seem to stay focus , it's like I have tripple A.D.D.. So now I'm trying to put this career in order but  I'm finding out it's hard work,'WHAT THE HELL!   Told I was at the gym doing one of the things I love working out and in the middle of running I started counting in my head how much money I had in my account after rent is paid, not much and I said to myself 'WHAT THE HELL'! At my age money shouldn't be a problem, I should be rolling into money, but I'm not.  WHAT THE HELL'! I know one person who seems to be doing good with money, What the hell, where is my money, my life , this really sucks! It's this dam birthady that's got me all crazy. Trying to make sense of this last year and all I can come up with is. 'WHAT THE HELL'!tiyemovietalk.com

Late Night Worries.

It's late and this great depression has come over me. I feel like my life isn't moving fast enough. I haven't had these feeling for sometime now and I feel alone, sad, and full of fear. My life is changing and the people I had in my life earlier are leaving one by one.  Maybe that's a good thing and maybe not?  I started this project and I had auditions and things turned out great. So pressure has come home to rest on my chest. This pressure to make this happen, to do something because that's how dreams get started, by action.  So here I am . looking at this computer and waiting for my life to change. Change is never easy, right? It seems the older I get the younger I wish, but the truth in the matter I wouldn't want to  go through my childhood again, my parents we're the worst parents in the world. A father who thought the fist had my power then words and a mother who thought her carry on purse between her legs was the answer to every man's problem or it would fix everything.  Which means my childhood was full and violence with a lot of  hard core fucking. So I wait here for my life to change, hoping something wild and crazy would happen, but it never does.  You know I'm that fool people take advantage of  because that's the kind of energy I have around me, take it  he'll never know.  But I do believe the wind is changing a bit, if I can hold on and keep from killing myself. Don't worry, I'm not planning on killing myself not right now anyway.   Next month is another birthday and I'm face with the fact that my life is half-way over. In order to have a mid-life crisis , I think you need to a have mid-life crisis money. So since I don't have the money, I guess I'm just depress and that's depressing. I look great on the outside but I don't feel great on the inside, what I mean is that my body looks good. I work out, I eat good, I stopped smoking. I don't drink nor do I drugs those days are gone. I was that guy that didn't know when to end the party. you know the one that I had the last drink and stayed up and did all the drugs while everyone slept. Yeah I was that guy but not any more. I'm that guy that smiles on the outside and goes home to eat his own organs.   I couldn't be happier I'm so happy that I can't stand to be around people for the fear they may take my happiness away.  Happiness is a hot item to have it goes for thousands of dollars on the black market or you can get it in pill form or a drink. I have it for free without anything, wow.  Now that I can get healthcare, instead of dying right way I can now prolong my death for one more day of misery.  So there you have it my late night worries. I get to go to bed with my head full of worries, which means I will not be sleeping alone because tonight my worries will keep me comfortable. Good night my readers. It sucks to be me.

Understanding The Healthcare Fight.

What do the two parties stand for? Liberals believe the role of government is regulate and oversee the economy to ensure that companies do the right thing. ( Healthcare) Conservatives  believe the proper role of the government is to regulate and oversee the morality to ensure that people are punished for immoral acts( Banning homosexual marriage). A libertarian would say something completely different  such as s the role of the government is to maintain army defense against invasion , to maintain a court system ensuring justice.    Ok, if the conservatives are the party of morals , and protecting the people from immoral acts. Would say that not giving 32 million Americans access to healthcare is a immoral act?  John Boehner as called the bill "Armageddon" , A former Speechwriter as called the passing of this bill " A Magnitude Of Disaster. And the Tea Baggers the crazies, wicked, folks who want to "Repeal the Bill". Which I don't understand.we are the only industrialized nation that doesn't offer healthcare to it's people. A healthy nation is a happy nation wouldn't you say.  Are we a country of idiots that don't care about it's people?  Now democrats are worried about their lives and so are republicans but it's kind of hard for me to care about the well being of republicans but no one should be worried about their lives. People get over it! The Bill has passed,but the noise just gets louder. 70% America Dangerously Divided by The Healthcare Debate. Divided? We are Crazy? 70% of our country is divided on this moral issue. Should we cover Americans who don't have healthcare?  This what we need to do. We can't let the republicans scream the loudest! We can't let them talk their lies. We need to get mobile because this fight is just getting started. We need to LOCK AND LOAD-'EM. The tides have turned and we need to get behind our President. We have this "Immigration battle' that is just around the corner, "Don't Ask Don't Tell battle. The party of No isn't planning on giving us anything.  I say if the TEA CRAZIES want to get crazy, I say lets get crazy with the nut cases.   I don't understand the fight. Are we a nation that cares about it's people or not? Is this a race thing? Is this them against us, them who have taken everything and given nothing? Is it them who have forgotten that this country was built by the hands of the have nothings. Every American has the right to healthcare, the right to know that their country will take care of them in the time of need. So why are we fighting, and what are we fighting for? The republicans are covered they have a good government run health insurance plan. Don't be fooled by the lies idiots!

FIGHT BACK!

Republicans are playing a dirty game, those racist. hate monsters are out to destroy the new world. White people want their country back. I think the Indians want their country back. Why is it that we the people finally get some kind of healthcare reform and the white right side is going crazy! Crazy as a Fox. The right white side are making threats, and throwing rocks into Democrats windows. We the people the Real Americans we need to fight the madness, we can't let the white right side get out of control. I have a college degree, two of them and more certificates then you can image but I have no healthcare. Ok, I'm artist trying to make it in the entertainment  business, so I choose not to have it because I can't afford it, but if I could I would. Some people think this is a hand out, but let's look at the whole picture. Poor people have medicare, Older folks have medicare and those who can afford insurance have it.   So this new reform is just going to make it more affordable for those who need a little help.  What's wrong with the white right side?  The Republicans aren't the change we need. They believe in lies and scare tactics.  I say fight fire with fire, we need to get out and fight and not let those crazies take over our country. It's a new day, a new world and I say FIGHT BACK.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Are the Republicans for the people?

Have you notice that white people are pissed that more americans are going to be able to get healthcare. Have they realized that is more white people that might be helped by this or are they so full of hate that they will turn on their own people. Now the Status Quo is going to do everything they can to over turn this healthcare bill.  The battle is just getting started. I understand I live in a country of sheep and idiots no can figure out that the republicans are lying, just lying about everything. I can't understand what is wrong with 32 million more people receiving healthcare coverage. We need to keep the democrats in power if we want to get real changes, immigration reform, don't ask don't tell. If the Democrats losing the senate and the house or just one. We the people will lose, the Republicans are the party of No and the party of Racist views. We need to go into a knew directions and the Republicans will not before the people, only the people with  money. We did it, healthcare for all. I'm not happy with this bill but it will move us in the right direction.  Please don't let those Republicans win. So will someone just shot those dam Republicans and shut them up.  I haven't figured out if the republicans are for the people, all the people or just the white people, I mean the right people.

OUT OF WORK.

November 09 was the last day I worked a full time job. I worked for this flower shop doing customer service and sales. It wasn't a bad job other then the owners we're crooks.  But that's another story, so for the last year or so I've been collecting unemployment and working part-time with a top of the line catering company and the money has just been enough to get me through. So I decide to go back to school again, for one thing my student loan payments get put on hold and I get to study something I'm passionate about which is films.  I have to say I'm getting a little lazy when it comes to looking for a job, I hate working these jobs and I'm ready to take my career by storm. I'm just not sure which way to go. But being out of work doesn't seem to be helping. I can't leave my house, I don't really feel like talking to people, I'm  not depress at all, let me make that clear. I like being alone, I really do. That's what being out of work does for me. I get to be alone, sometimes that worries me. I have no desire to be with anyone, no desire to love , but just to be out of work.  I 've been to several interviews but nothing. Things seem to go fine while I talk to them over the phone. I've had several phone interviews, with Lens Crafter, Sunglass Hut and everything seems fine, until  I come in and they realized I'm black. After that all the calls stop , I never heard from them again.  So I'm out of work for another day and it's not so bad because I get to spend it alone and that's never so bad

Film TV Jobs Employment Broadcast Recruitment - mandy.com

Film TV Jobs Employment Broadcast Recruitment - mandy.com

Ok, What the Hell is in that healthcare bill.

Ok, Call me crazy, call me foolish, but can we say, "SUCKERS"! This healthcare bill will send us to the dog house. Don't get me wrong I do think we need some kind of reform but this isn't the reform we need. Wait what I'm saying if we are really going to get reform lets get what Canada, or the British countries have  with healthcare for all. What I don't want is a water down bill with no public option.  Americans are kinda, sorta, stupid know one wants to rise TAXS, That dirty little word. No Taxes! Screw you people! Everyone's trying to get nothing for free. We already have welfare for the lazy folks , but how about us educated, working folks how about us. Yes I'm willing to pay higher taxes for healthcare. It's as simple as that. This healthcare bill is going to make many white folks rich, yes I said it. "White Folks" ! So open your eyes and tell President Obama we need real reform not this water down bill.   Most white People aren't feeling good about this change, the truth in the matter to most white people the system is perfect.  What kind of world are they living in? Yeah the White World, So the rest of us are here to take care of thier needs.  I get it, but the point is What kind of Healthcare bill are we really going to get? If there is no public option is it really healthcare reform?

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY AND NOTHING.

Next month is my birthday and I don't know what the hell to do. I don't really wanna do anything. I don't have the money nor the career yet to have a great birthday party, plus my friends are all gone. Sometimes I wish I was anyone else, but me. I  thought if I was a white male, maybe my life would have turned out different, better, I wouldn't have to work as hard as I do now. All doors would be open to me with no questions ask, or at least I could scam my way in to the top. White people (men) just don't know how bless they are.  I wanna know what means to be super rich to live a life that is out of this world. I'm not saying is easy , easy for whites they just don't have to be as good as I do. This idea about a higher education I think it only replies to minorities in most cases.  I don't think white men really need to go to school to make a good living to be successful.   You see I'm trying to get some money for this film project that is starting in one day. I guess I should be bless that I live in the Greatest Country in the world or at least that's what I've been told. Trying to live this dream. Sometimes can be a slow process but I shall keep moving forward.  So have decide that this birthday is going to be great. It's going to be great because I'm turning one year older and I'm happier then I've every been before. I have no love life, I have no job, I have no car, I have no sex life.. But I'm happy because I love my life because it's clear of inward hate. I get to work out , I'm smoke free, drug free, I don't drink. So today I can look at myself and say, "kid your going to be alright".  So you see it's not just another birthday , it's my birthday and instead of having nothing. I have everything a single guy could want.

A LOVE

I simmer in the passion of your thought., I bath in your open arms, I move through your voice as you so softly touch me.  I breath your scent as the thought of you surrounds me.  Your piercing spirit covers my soul as my knees become weaken by the flowing juices of your body.   We dance between the spaces of our lives , holding back the rivers of lust only to connect to what is deep.  Your penetrating  silents covers my genitals as they arise to cover your body with the taste of milk and honey.  Feel my body move to your rhythm , dance to your speech, and moves towards your softness.   To be your shadow , is to carry my love for we are one , same, together building a love the will rewrite the old testament and be the model example of the future realistic future, for I am your woman , you are my woman , rest your breast on my breast. You change into my strength that will protect me , I melt into your heart , I run my fingers across your manly chest , as taste my milky breast  only to be looking at me, we are the same our privates hang between our legs , as we love behind the cage of love , we are free to love , love.

Chasing The Dream.

We all have dreams. We all have these goals that we've created for ourselves. But when do chase the dream, when do you stop chasing that dream. At ten years of  age I discover I had this dream, this dream to create and like some many others I was hit with the entertainment dream, Yes I wanted to be an actor, so I started writing, organizing little shows with my brothers and sisters. I was ready to make it big but how, where , and who must I talk too.  So at 14 I discovered ballet and my life changed.  I loved the power dance give me plus It made me beautiful , sexy and I'm not the pretty boy of any bunch.  So I studied like a good little boy and I worked very hard and danced for a bit and had some success, but not the success I would have loved. So I retired and right away I studied acting at some of the best schools on the east coast.  Before going back to college and receiving a degree in film production and finishing with a master's in theatre and minor in writing.  I for a few years I was doing the stand-up thing performing at Comedy Club, Stand-up New York, Glady's Comedy room.  I've done everything in pursuit of this dream. Now I'm getting a certificate in post production. So when does chasing the dream becomes more or a waste of time. I'm not getting any younger and the club I'm trying to join seems so youth  geared , you know what I mean.  I just know when I'm creating the world seems to be so kind.  So when does one stop chasing the dream? This passion I have for the arts is the greatest love affair of my life.  So where do I go from here? How do I create the dance that could take me through the end of my life.

Meeting Time.

I've got myself into this strange world a world where I must spend time inside the rooms of NA and boy it's a world I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You walk into a room where all you hear are people crying about their lives and talking about the same issues over and over and over never moving on. It's like being in a room of retired old folks, But it's a room full of damaged folks trying to make sense of their lives. Let me say my life has gotten better and I have a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. The one thing I have learned about myself is that nothing is personal, no matter what anyone says nothing is personal. So when I go to these meetings I go with a sense of easy and love and a deeper understanding of the damage that fills the room sometimes choking you at the door. But you learn to walk through it. I don't have as much time as many of the others but I do have a understanding that I have no control over people, places or things. Sometimes the fear of  living in those rooms makes me feel progress slow and I'm not getting it. Those rooms many times I find to be negative and just so heavy.  The cycle seems to be reputations the same thing over and over and over and that worries me.  I realize the rooms are not a place to share because No one really listens to you everyone is so busy in their heads and making each and everything about them.  That no one really hears you. I had a real fear inside of comfort I got how dare you, or looks and It's funny it's alway the white people that have the most to say, so what does that really say? Those meeting are killing my belief that one can change is mind pattern, that one can change that voice in ones head. I believe in my recover, staying clean, that's not the fear, because it's a life style change, to me it's like losing weight, or trying to stop smoking, drugs are no different, addiction is addiction although people in the room would like to think their special and there a different.  This is a life style change , it's about changing your thoughts and opinions about ones self.  I hate going to the meetings but I go, I hate them because they don't make me feel hopeful but then a again it's not about how it makes me feel. It's about being practical  and doing what works for me right now in this moment. I will not let anyone run over my belief that this is a life style change and it's as simple as that.  I think it's funny thinking that people might be talking about something I've said. Talk is good and it gives people something to do with their time. Ego talking and I LOVE IT.   So meeting time is a place where you come together for one common goal to stay clean but the truth of the matter you must give up a little bit of one's thought and walk lock and barrel if you wanna stay in sync with all the rotten , diluted thoughts that curves its self in the cracks and corners of the room. Where people with with much clean time have gotten trapped in their own thoughts of madness believing that always know what's best and the ones with the slogans some to be the ones with nothing really to offer the rooms but ego and utter madness and it's that energy that dooms the rooms to remain in a place of energy that can't move freely in the rooms of NA.  So I've learned that my past is my past and anything that any one says its about them and not me no matter what is said. So to the SLOGAN GUY open your ears and listen try not to fall asleep every one minute and breath before you create your great slogans which understand that's it's not about you, it never ways and put those five years of recovery to get use.

Loveless Love Life.

I "ve never been in a relationship, never isn't that odd, strange, maybe not I'm just not looking for love or my other half, nor I'm I looking for friends , any of that. I like being alone, not needing to feel tied to anyone's madness. Are we always looking for someone to spend our lives with? Now if I meet someone who knocks me off my feet, I'll run with open arms, so far nothing. I'm open to it but I'm just not looking for love in any place. I live in this sunny town and nothing here makes me over joyed. I'm very grateful for my life and emotional my life is a lot better. I'm much happier from with in but I feel like I'm missing something, I'm happier on the inside but nothing moves me on the outside of me.  There's no real connectiom in my life nothing that makes me scream for joy.  So I have no love life, I have nothing and I like my loveless love life because I have no drama, no trying to find time to meet, no phone calls, or dinner dates, nothing and it's great. I don't get the need to couple up, I don't understand that need to feel special by someone else. Maybe I'm missing something? My life has changed in the last several years for the better and once hating being alone, I love it plus I lifted the city I loved New York City now I live in LA and it's just alright and the people are just alright, nothing special and nothing moving, just alright and that's alright.  So do I really have a loveless love life? I don't know but I'll keep asking until I do.

You've Been Dropped!

Snakes, Rats, and Fat People are the three things that scare me the most.  . I find snakes creepy , Rats just funky and fat people I just find them nasty.  Whenever I find myself in the presents of over weight people , I lose my love for people, people who can't take care of themselves.  Stop eating, it's just that easy shut up and stop ending. I was in this group and I had high hopes for this group, I wanted to teach them how to be artist, how to love the work,the art of the work.  Things we're going great, I thought I had a place in their fat chubby hearts, but little did I know they we're eating thier way around me, they we're crawling around me like Rats, trying to figure out out to drop me from thier little chub feast group. Little did I know my sickness would be the death of me. They take my heart and eat it like it was pork, pork fried beans. I said to myself I've been had, tricked, fooled, by the fat chubby, over weight, sloppy kids.   No why, what have I done to be dropped from the fat chubby kid group.  All I wanted to do was eat, eat my why out of my rejection, I wanted someone to hold me ,love me, squeeze me, as if I was a fat polar bear. I've been rejected by the fat kids on the block. Why, why! Why! I asked my GOD and he said They're fat and they don't know what they do!  I 'Cried ' I laugh , and I eat. I've never been fat, never so I don't know what it feels like not to able to see your feet or touch your ass, or only to baths the parts you can see and teach.  I don't know what it feels to be fat, but I do know what it feels like not to be able to eat that last piece of pie.

Old Friends and New People in a changing LIFE.

I feel different about the new people in my life, like I'm going backwards.  Let me explain. I have new people in my life, friends, whatever, but today I realize I don't feel the same about these new people in my life.  I use to be happy to see my friends, happy, knowing that I was going to be hanging out if them. Going out for a drink and sometimes drugs, ok, I know that's bad but that was the old me. Today  I don't drink nor do drugs. But we use to do alot of things, Go to the movies, out dancing,  shows, shopping , talk on the phone for hours, sports events, and these friends we're Black, White, Spanish, Asian, Latin , male, female, straight, gay, in between, We took trips and made real plans.  I don't feel that way about these friends. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It was like I could hang out with my old friends and not standout when it came to fashion, everyone had their own style, and it was a good style, the guys got haircuts and dressed like hip, cool, right on, the girls of course, plus my friends we're really good looking men and women, that's where I failed short, but everything else I  was right on.  The friends I have now, it's not the case, plus I always knew no matter what these friends we're going to get me out of my mood, make me happy, make me feel good, these friends not so much, I have to do it myself, and sometimes they my help out. These friends it become about a pity feast, plus these old friends had reachable dreams, like understanding what was possible and what wasn't. If you look like Will Smith you could get a Hot GIRL.  The Will Smith looking guy dated and the other guy dated also, he didn't put his life on hold, holding out for the hot girl to come along.  My point is Today while riding the bus I thought about throwing myself in front of the bus. I was just thinking WOW, the people around me don't make me happy, Now I don't need them to make me happy as I did before, but it does feel good when you see your friends and your eyes light up with joy and your heart smiles.  I don't have that anymore. Don't get me wrong I get happy over alot of things, going to the movies, talking to my friends at home, or old friends from school. Do get me wrong I enjoy the people in my life and we have a good laugh when I'm around, but it's not the same. My old friends use to inspire me sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad now I'm just indifferent, I can take it or leave it.  I had alot of pain in my past and my life was about feelings. My Old Friends just brought out all these feelings good and bad. I felt like I couldn't live without them and my life would end, and it hasn't and I no longer base my friendship on how they make my feel because if I did that I wouldn't have any new friends. Now my friends are based on a need to stay clean, yes I said stay clean, the friends I have now is about a group of people trying to stay clean and just get through the day, my old friends were about enjoying the day , taking full advantage of the time and having fun. I was the only one to take the drugs to far to the right.  One good thing about this change is that I really enjoy spending time and being by myself and I don't need my new friends to make my feel or to inspire me, I can do that by myself. I sure do miss the smile that came over my face when I saw my old friends and the joy they brought into my life. Here's to Changes.

Network Showcases and Casting Projects

Network Showcases and Casting Projects. Is this something that really opens the doors for us? Or is this something that just looks good on paper. I have been trying to get into the DGA Training Program and it has been a task, but when you look at the list of names of students. I got the feeingl if you don't have that right last name your chances of getting in are small. So now I've been trying to get an agent for a long time and I've been a part of AFTRA for a few years. So I say are they really looking for us or does it just sound good on paper. I'm not sure , But I would like to be a part of the showcases and casting projects. So tell me what I need to do.