Late Night Worries.

It's late and this great depression has come over me. I feel like my life isn't moving fast enough. I haven't had these feeling for sometime now and I feel alone, sad, and full of fear. My life is changing and the people I had in my life earlier are leaving one by one.  Maybe that's a good thing and maybe not?  I started this project and I had auditions and things turned out great. So pressure has come home to rest on my chest. This pressure to make this happen, to do something because that's how dreams get started, by action.  So here I am . looking at this computer and waiting for my life to change. Change is never easy, right? It seems the older I get the younger I wish, but the truth in the matter I wouldn't want to  go through my childhood again, my parents we're the worst parents in the world. A father who thought the fist had my power then words and a mother who thought her carry on purse between her legs was the answer to every man's problem or it would fix everything.  Which means my childhood was full and violence with a lot of  hard core fucking. So I wait here for my life to change, hoping something wild and crazy would happen, but it never does.  You know I'm that fool people take advantage of  because that's the kind of energy I have around me, take it  he'll never know.  But I do believe the wind is changing a bit, if I can hold on and keep from killing myself. Don't worry, I'm not planning on killing myself not right now anyway.   Next month is another birthday and I'm face with the fact that my life is half-way over. In order to have a mid-life crisis , I think you need to a have mid-life crisis money. So since I don't have the money, I guess I'm just depress and that's depressing. I look great on the outside but I don't feel great on the inside, what I mean is that my body looks good. I work out, I eat good, I stopped smoking. I don't drink nor do I drugs those days are gone. I was that guy that didn't know when to end the party. you know the one that I had the last drink and stayed up and did all the drugs while everyone slept. Yeah I was that guy but not any more. I'm that guy that smiles on the outside and goes home to eat his own organs.   I couldn't be happier I'm so happy that I can't stand to be around people for the fear they may take my happiness away.  Happiness is a hot item to have it goes for thousands of dollars on the black market or you can get it in pill form or a drink. I have it for free without anything, wow.  Now that I can get healthcare, instead of dying right way I can now prolong my death for one more day of misery.  So there you have it my late night worries. I get to go to bed with my head full of worries, which means I will not be sleeping alone because tonight my worries will keep me comfortable. Good night my readers. It sucks to be me.