The First Day Of Christmas.

What's the true meaning of Christmas? I'm on the search for the true meaning of chrsitmas and I don't know where to look? I remember when I was a child christmas was about toys and clothes and over the years the meaning of christmas has changed into this sad day for me. Well not a sad day just a day where I think about family or the family I wish I had. I grow up in foster care so christmashas been this reminder of a family I lost a long time ago. So what does christmas mean when you have the family or love one to share it with. So this is my first day of christmas where I look for a deeper meaning of chrsitmas. So where should I look? So what does christmas mean to you?  The First Day Of Christmas.

Hoilday's Alone.

I wish I could say I'm sad about not having a love one or children around for the holidays but I'm not. I'm single with no children or a life partner and I'm happy. First let me explain why I'm happy. I'm not working I have no money I'm worried about losing my apartment and work is very slow. Yes it's stressful but just think how stressful it would be if I had other people to think about. I only have myself to worry about and it makes it so easy to get through this rough time. I don't know if its me but being black in Los Angeles is making it very hard to get work. I believe if I was in New York I would have gotten something by now.  Plus it's not like am in my twenties which in Los Angeles is a no , no and I'm not the best looking guy on the block which in Los Angeles is another no, no. I never had these thoughts in New York but here in Los Angeles I do. But at the end f the day I will not let other people problems become my problems.  This is also my doing I'm trying to work in Hollywood I do have several degrees in the arts, so I could get a real job and live out my last days doing a job that I hate instead am trying to live out my dream at this point in my life. So you do what you have to do to make ends meet that are within the law. I would love to be in love someday but right now I want to live the dream. I have no point this RANT. I'm just talking and I'm doubt anyone's listening to the rants of a single man. I do have a feeling this is going to be a great holiday, a holiday I will never forget. I'll keep you posted. Love you.

What If.

I feel like am losing any sense of hope. That sense that my life will change, get better. So I'm waiting for something to happen to change. But if I had that chance to be something or make something happen I would. What if I won the lottery? If I won the lottery the first thing I would do is give money to my few friends I have hurt. If I won the lottery I would make me a movie, a million dollar movie. A loft  , brand new car, some work done on my face and body. I would get a bigger penis. Why not, if women can get their breast larger. Why can't I get a bigger penis. I would travel the world for a year. If I won the lottery I would call my real parents and tell them to kiss my natural black ass. I need some real change in my life and the only change I really want is MONEY. Life sucks without cash. What if I won the lottery I would change everything about me. Everything about me would change.  I wouldn't even look like me. If I won the lottery I would change my life and those few friends who I love.

BYE, BYE

Good luck to everyone.

Making a Mess Of Things.

I made a mess of things, and once again I can't hold my head up high. I was working on this project and I found myself getting upset with the person I was working with you know. It was every where I was, their that person goes and that started getting under my skin, plus the fact I felt like it just wasn't working for me, for some reason this wasn't the person I wanted to spend any time with. I would call home complaining, how did get myself in this mess. I just wanted to get it done, but in a positive way. Well things got bad towards the end, I'm not upset that this person it's talking to me. I'm just upset how this project came to an end. It really looks bad for me, really looks bad. I work with these people at Wolfgang Puck and the gossip is horrible. i want to walk away from this job.

What Beast Do I Share My Table With.

Come eat of my Heart, dine at my table of joy/What beast are you dressed as today,Share of my hopelessness as I dance on the grave of your soul-come feast at my creativity of death, WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH? Grab the fruit from the dead weeds at your feet,drink from this cup you beast of proud/ tape this spilled oil around your eyes,and spit up the rotten smell from your soul, Let the tramps walk in front of monkeys who laugh at  that knife that has fallen from my knees/ give me your hand as I pull myself up from the smell of your disguise,WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH?/ Reach into your month and bring out that serpent/ that drinks of your flesh/ I employ you to dine with roaches at my feet/ Put the bucket under your eyes, for your CHRIST passes judgment as he gets drunk from that bitter small of rotten sex. What beast do I share my table with.  Change your direction for you have lost that strength of coolness/WHAT BEAST DO I SHARE MY TABLE WITH? How high must I go to escape the walk of your breath/ Why do you dine at my table? 

Service To Yourself.

When can I hold my head up high? When will I be good enough for myself, Can the stars come and meet me half way-Will I able to hold my head up, when the clouds around me are folding in. Can I stand still where the lights has gone dim- Hear my heart cry as the joy slips from my finger-, I have lost all hope in my toes for the road has become rough under my feet-can you listen to the sound of the whispers that crush against my thoughts-Oh angels take this sadness from my shoulders, for my mouth has lost it's way- why can't you care for me, when the flowers have lost it's voice and the wind no-longer walks beside me-you stomped over my eyes , while you stabbed me in my center, the center that creates my heart, what passion do you carry in your pelvis, what sex do you enjoy, remove that mask, you have placed over those cold eyes. I have cornered myself in this little space that as no face for me to notice.you have cheated me out of my creativity , stole what is my speech into the outside world.  I fear, what monster I have invited into the space where god stand stills, you dress yourself under the carnival of clowns, nibbling as a rat nibbles and the leftovers from the dead- Cough up my spirit, take your coward-less soul out of the way of my light/ stand tall you beast, traveling along the pathway of passion,that walks under your feet, your feet of ice. Shut up/for you have nothing hidden between your breast,but the runs of miss place plastic of waste/ will you carry me when god has danced his last dance.  What service do bring to the table where god has forgotten your name.

Finding Peace In The Middle Of War.

Sometimes we do our best and sometimes are best isn't good enough. I'm right in the middle of a war. A war that has no ending,or a beginning. People will pretend to have your back and pretend to have faith in you, but one the ball is kicked they will turn their backs on you so fast, It'll  make your head spin. I wish I could say I'm perfect but I'm not. I wish I could stay I haven't made my share of mistakes. I have, but I would never walk out on some one when things got rough or feelings got hurt. So I find myself in the middle of this battle ground trying to save my face. But why? Because I'm worried about what people will say. If some one would talk about some one being gay because of  the way they express themselves due to a movement they made. Their heart is capable of doing all kinds of evil. I've come to believe that people who call themselves Christians are some of the most evil people I have ever laid my eyes on. I'm a good person with a good heart and soul who's learning as he goes along. I have spent many years learning my craft and understanding what it means to be an artist. There are areas That I need to work on, such as making sure I have the right people in place to get the right job done. I open my doors to a complete stranger, to someone I would have never talked to, laughed with, broke bread with, because I like people that have expression in their movement in their soul. I like people who have a heart and who can express feelings, all kinds of feelings not just toughness, strength, testosterone, boldness, because that my keep people away but it doesn't work as an artist. I find myself in the middle of this battle zone, where cruelness is knocking at my door, an evil grin that is telling me I'm not talented because my organization skills wasn't up to the challenge. So a group of people have decide that I wasn't good enough at my skills. I will never work in this town again. Right now I'm at a lost of words and rage runs through my veins, will disappointment runs through my body. I challenge you who haven't failed at something and need another chance, cast the first stone.  Never trust a Christian they never have your best interest in their heart. Ego is a terrible thing and it's funny how those with shit in their heart cast the first stone. When everything they have done has been about ego. Telling you all this big plans, I'm talking to this person, I'll be sending letters to Oprah, and all these other names, don't worry I'll get you money, so say focus. Being the Big Man on Campus. This project wasn't about the project,it was about something else, something dirty,evil, nasty where there was a single player without a willing partner. How can I save face in the middle of this incest , with this beast on my back. War isn't pretty and some one always get hurt and in this case the devil have crawled under my skin and ripped out my soul.  When does truth come to the war, where does honest take it's place. Con-Artists come in all forms and in all faiths and sometimes it's hard to see the devil in the details. When you are fighting a war remember to have faith in yourself, remember what doesn't kill you will make you stronger and those same people will cross your path again. The higher power has away of working for the light and weakening the darkness. It is possible to find peace in the middle of a war.

Judge Blocks Parts Of The Arizona Law.

Today we won! Tomorrow maybe not, there is a war in the making and you must decide are you on the side of freedom or the side of hatred.  There is no other way to put this. This is a war between the brown people and not so brown people.  Yes it's time for immigration reform , lord is it time. The Republicans had the chance to do something and nothing got done.  ADHD is what leads the Republican party and it's a wonder they can get their message out, whatever that message is.  We are being sold a bag of bullshit as if immigrates are bring in crime by the car loads. Give me a break! Let's not for get Arizona didn't want to honor Martin Luther King Holiday.  I personal worked with two guys who live in Arizona and worked for this time sharing company.  Yes those boys we're some racist white boys and because of the job, I had to take so much racist talk.   No don't get me wrong if you are not making America a better place, then deport them now. But Let's be fair for the people who are doing right and richness to this great land. There is enough room for all of us.  I can't help be believe in my heart that most of this is about race.  You see I've lived and I've grown-up in this country and I know white people like I know the back of my ass, I know it very well.   For white folks race is everything ,just look at the history, Slavery, Holocaust , what happen to Japanese, and Indians save their lives and they turned on them, and lets now forget what they did to every white immigrates who came to America. Hatred is part of their DNA, it's who they are as a race of people.  So every so often we get the chance to see the evil in our faces, so we can't be fooled by their tricks, their smiles, their left ideas , right ideas. center ideas it's all great talk. Bu give them a chance to show who they are they will always show their true heart. Perfect example CNN did the doll test, white doll verses black doll. When it came to black children there had been changes in their views about themselves,but their was no change what so ever in white children, none, nothing, no growth what so ever.  The point that I'm making is, it's us who must lead the devil to the light and yes there will be fighting, kicking and screaming, but we can do it. Sooner or later we can crack that darkness that surrounds their heart and lead a few of them to the light.  So lets look at the Arizona Law as a cruel law, a racist law. When they are deporting white folks who are illegal back home on buses, call me, I'll be by my phone waiting.   I believe we the people can do better, so lets do better. Our brothers and sisters need us and I welcome you, yes you the pale face one. To stand up and say we can do better and we do change.

What Will You Wear To My Funeral?

What will you wear to my funeral? Will you wear black to show the sadness of my life. Red to show the slow death of my soul. Blue for the smile hidden behind the the darkness of my life. Will you wear white to show the calmness of my after life. What will you wear to my funeral? For the moment has come for me to decide, what I shall wear to my funeral. A funeral that no family members will show, friends would have made other plans, co-workers will just be clocking in. What will you say at my funeral? Will you show how much I was loved by no one. How about all the joy I brought into your lives. Or will you talk about the time I almost killed a classmate. Will you talk about my clean time and how far I have come. What will you wear to my funeral, decide now, because the darkness is closing in faster then you think. I can't find a moment of rest from the angel of death that keeps riding on my shoulder.  What will you say when that moment comes walking up your doorway. Will you remember my smile or will you focus on my hurt.  What will you wear to my funeral after I've gone.

Immigration Reform.

Is this the new civil rights movement? I myself don't understand what the problems are, I do have some concerns. Racism is a ugly thing and it comes from every end of the table, such as I live in a area where most of the people are Mexicans and I've been called a nigger, faggot amongst other things. So am not quite sure where I stand on this immigration issue, and that's because I have hurt feelings.  I do believe that most people come to this country to make America better, for a better life for themselves and their families.  If so many Americans are upset about the jobs being taken from them by illegal immigrates. What about the corporations out sourcing American jobs, where is that  anger? How about the white people that brought down Wall street for personal gain. How about the fact we can't get universal health care. Where is that anger?   I want my country back! I only hear white folks so that. Their country back, I think the Indians my want their country back.  The anger is the highest among blue-collar folks , 37 percent of white men with no college degree, with 27 percent of white women with no college degree and 15 percent of whites who graduated. They want their country back. Blacks and Spanish folks are split down the middle. It's hard for me to believe that for whites it's not about race. I 've lived in this country my entire life and I have witness their hatred from every end of the table. I believe if they could send blacks back you would see white folks lined up, sending us off.  I mean all white folks, even the ones that call themselves are friend.  The point am trying to make is that our government must fix this problem. If we leave it up to white folks they well always show their true colors, remember the civil rights movement.  They can't move from place of love, it's not in their DNA. I guess at the end of the day I believe their is enough room for all us. We got to learn how to live together, pray together and love together. This immigration stuff is about to get bad, real bad, white folks want their country back, they stole from the Indians, just saying.  I'm not saying all white folks feel this way, but I'm sure 98 percent of them do and the other 2% have brought change.   I say give them all citizenship, tax them and call it a day.  I keep hearing their taking jobs. What jobs are they taking, please will some one tell me what jobs are they taking. I'm so sick of hearing that one.   We need immigration reform. It's the new civil rights movement. So didn't let hatred win over what is right.

What Is Love?

Is love something that makes you feel better or is it something that makes you feel bad?
I've been in love several times and it never works out the why you hoped or dreamed.  I've been in love with people who didn't love me. Well people who had no feeling for me in that way. I walked away from people who loved me to much. Love is a hard, mysterious creature that is very hard to understand. Love is like a war zone, it's battle to the end. So you need to have on your best armor with a heart of steel.  What is love? I thought love was kindness, but am not so sure. I thought love was rough and mean with unkind words. That is the question what is love?  Can you love more then one person? Can you love a man or a woman? Can you love someone who is fat or ugly. Does love have a face? Or is it just this fantasy we have in our head. I've seen all kinds of faces of love, same sex love, a man and woman love, love between different races, religion, cultures. The question is does love get any easier. Is it as cut and dry as we would like to believe. Is there a simple answer?  So what is Love?

A Leader Of The Pack.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you we're willing to do anything for? Maybe? I was the head of this project. I was it's leader and I failed. I keep playing the last 4 or 5 months in my head. Asking myself when did I drop that ball and I keeping dropping that ball.  That failure has really put me into the dark house. I knew I was heading for failure just by the connection I had to the things around me. Which was none what so ever. I wasn't sure of myself because I wasn't listening to my gut feeling.  I didn't cast anything right, the writings we're so weak.  It was like walking through a gym of testosterone, trying to battling Queen Latifah and Mclight out at the mics.  I had this inner voice that was telling me. This isn't the project it will be your undoing. I wasn't moving from the center, from the bass of my passion. I was surrounded by thinkers and feelings and self expression wasn't on the table. And what feelings I saw in the group. I turned my back and and catered to the strong, the emotionless , the hard to read, the coldness of the world. I was lost this black and white world.  I couldn't organized my thoughts, my feelings. I was scared to touch the beast. The beast that was riding my thoughts. I was the leader of the pack and I couldn't lead the platoon to the promise land. I feel like a wounded captain waiting for the war to pass.  I had this feeling it was a us and them, it was never a we. I hated the us with a passion, the us was cold, disconnected. I was powerless over this beast. That kept me in my head. I can't hide my feelings, am not made of ice, I can't not share my feelings am not into pretending. Is a leader cold, is a leader strong with showing his weakness. I'm ashamed, I can't like those people in their face after I wasted their time. I wasn't the leader of the pack, there wasn't anything of me to lead. They will never understand how sad I'm and I can't share this with them. I can't face the darkness, coldness of the air, the beast in the room, myself. I was surround by this army of men,women and super women and I lead them into the war zone and I lost lives.  I wasn't ready to be the leader of the pack.

An Artist Hunger.

It's so hard to tell the truth to dig deep inside yourself and tell people what's really going on. I'm a artist by nature, it's in my blood, in my sleep and in my soul. I feel alive when I create when I'm around that source of power it's my life force. You see I'm very depress about my life where it's going and not going. I'm looking for a place to call home a place to create. A couple of weeks ago I worked with a group of performers who are full of passion about the entertainment business. I let them down because I couldn't live up to that passion and now I question my place in that creative space. I love the arts,I've had a chance to dance professional. I've taken the time to learn the craft of acting, writing, film making and now I'm looking for a place to call home. I want to create pieces that celebrate the struggles of life. Moving people to  question the things around them. While I was working with these performers. I made bad choices, not looking at the training of the actors over the people with the passion for performing. I couldn't take control over what I know was right over what I felt I should do.  Where does one go from here? What should I do? I feel like am falling off a piece of thread. Heading into a dark dance room where everyone is waiting to breath. I wish I could scream how I felt deep inside my soul. How I hunger for freedom, that freedom that allows you to walk with your head held high. I can not walk because I'm trapped in one space. A space that closes me off from home. That home that connects me to that creative force. What I do know that being an artist is more then just passion, it's about taking the time to truly learn your craft, to bring yourself to the work. Follow what is true , trust your gut and don't let anyone make you do something you know not to be true. I let that group of performers, and actress, and actors down, not working from the source from the truly trained at their craft. I hunger for artist trapped in my head, trying to eat his way out. Keeping myself out of that darkness is hard because I want to live my life in that creative space, breath it, eat it and make love to eat and I want to be around people who feed that life force. I hunger to be full with the joy of home. So if you feel like you aren't connect to that place. Feed yourself no matter what. Go make yourself sick with the fullness of the creative juice we artist need to eat, to be happy in that space we call life.

It Was Wrong From The Start.

I wasted money and my time for the last six month that I can't get back. But there was a learning curb, to trust yourself , to trust your insights. I was working on this project and I choked myself in the process. I don't work well with all people and those same people don't work well with me. I love the creative process I love working with actors who have studied their craft  at acting school. Actors who have put their blood and sweat into their craft. Actors who are not looking for you to feed them everything. who aren't always asking what does the director want. So I can give it to him. I'm creative person, with feelings, a strong sense of my inner being, Comfortable in my body, comfortable in my sex.  I started a project that was dead in the water from every inch of the page. I was choking I was more worried about some of those people talking about me, instead of investing my heart, I invested my fears. This process was more then I can handle. I don't write with them in mind and I wanted to change that, and I failed. I need to write what I'm comfortable with. I need to write the stories. I know. I failed at this a temp and I'm sure it will not come back to bite me and if it does that would mean the hole world is coming to a end and it wouldn't make a difference in any way. For those I hurt forgive me. I have faith in those who have studied their craft , not with a class here and there, not with some college credit.  I learned I'm horrible at casting I got it wrong every time. And you know black folks I'm being called all kinds of faggot, and other horrible names, he's a mess, it was organized, he didn't know what he was doing, Their right I got it wrong with them. I wasn't able with them to bring my a game. You win some and you lose some. I lost this one and they only way I can so my face to them. Is to kick my personal project out of the water and invite them to show them what you experience wasn't who I 'm and I can do this. So when they talk, they will know it was just that process I failed short of. I will kick ass on this project SIST"AH , am making real changes and I'm paying someone to help me write this. I will get this right and show these people Sunday was a mistake, I lost my cool but I'm better then that and I can do better. Instead of people coming to me. They want else where, there was so much side talk and another MAN started running the show, I lost my voice and I gave up my power at the start of the game. I saw  this coming and I'm not surprise this happen, I told my cousin and several of my friends back at home this wasn't going to end pretty.  I will make sure  I  have people around who I trust and I'm not being choke to be like them.  I will moved forward and close the door to this experience and stay in contact with the actors I really want to work with and I will do what I need to get back in good standing with the couple. I'm better then what I showed Sunday. It's time for me to step up to the plate. This was a bad ideal from the start. No not the ideal it self, just some parts of it. Those parts I will not experience again.

Dam I can't figure this out.

Life just seems to keep on moving with you or without you.  I seem to be in this little cross road of my life and I can't figure this shit out. This how I see myself, someone with a strong point of view , a visionary , a artist with lots of passion , but nothing seems to becoming out.  I look into the mirror and I see me looking back, that always worries me, but it's not the me I have in my head.  Dam I can't figure this out! The older I get the wiser I do become, but I still can't figure this shit out. I wanna scream and shout while pulling my own hair out of my head.  I need a body make over, I need a good male trainer to get me into the best shape to turn this body into a body of a Greek God.  Dam I can't figure this out.  I don't wanna be here in Los Angeles anymore, I would like to pick up and leave tomorrow. I have this project to finish and I just wanna get it finish and I want these wonderful actors to look good.  It's a lot of work putting a film together, I couldn't have done it without the help of my co-worker.  This young woman has been really great and she's going to be working in Hollywood someday.  Dam I can't figure out which way to go , to turn, what to look at.  I have this wonderful person in my life that I don't get see alot , but I talk to everyday and they move me to become a better person, a better lover, a better friend and artist. Dam I can't figure this out. but what I do is that people I love are back at home and the people that move me are back at home with a few guy friends here who have taught me a lot about inner love.  But yet I can't figure out what direction to take my life.

Crushes, are a bad thing.

It's hard having a crush on someone who doesn't even know you're alive. I've been there and it's hard, very hard. I have a feeling that someone may have a crush on me. The funny thing about crushes it's never anyone who you would like. Yes it's never good to have a crush, I just hope it never crosses the line, the line to where I must say. I'm just not into you.  I've done everything in my power to  ignore anything that could be taken as a flirt or something.  I just would like to get out of this thing as fast as I can, which means it's going to change where I go with my feature film project. I just need to be around people who are there for the work not for any other reasons. Just sharing my thoughts with you.

Somewhere out there.

I never thought my life would be this. This meaning so unhappy, unhappy in the fact that I thought I would be famous, living my dream. Running around Hollywood with my head in the clouds, but instead I have this life, this life that just has nothing going on. But I've decide that I'm not ready to give up on my dreams but time isn't on my side.  I'm working on this project although I'm not really happen with the scripts and I'm working with talented young actors, I just feel I could do better and my personal life it's moving as well as everything else is moving.  Some where out there my dream is waiting for me to catch up with it but I can't seem to grab it right now. Well this project is giving me some kind of creative outlet , but it's not enough.  I just have to make sure that I stay the course with this project and the wonderful actors. I wish I was working with classmates, then I could really get something done, something good.  Some where out there hope and love is right around the corner. I must believe that.  I hate when people have a crush on me because it's always the folks that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank God I won't have that problem on this project, that would be a Nightmare! Some where out there beneath the gray moon stars love and my dreams are waiting for me to join them. 

Looking deep inside yourself.

I had the strangest thing happen last night. I had a co-worker, a  team player in this creative projected that we have been working together make a comment to me about one of the guys being on the down low. All because of his movement. I laughed at first at the silliness of the question and the thought. I wasn't entertained at all, It would have been different if the person was Hallie Berry, or Heidi Klum, I would have still been upset, but it would have been different, because these women don't  come across as Lesbians or  they don't have masculine movement.  I've learned along time go never try to figure out who's gay or straight unless I thought you were hot and I wanted to sleep with you,but this isn't that AT ALL! So I never thought nor cared, but when this person said that then I recalled all the movement this person has done that could be read as gay, a women on the dl.  What makes this even sadder it's black people and it's always the black people that might be gay or ten years from now be with the same sex partner, it's always those blacks who are so quick to judge.  So I got to thinking why are people who carry the same trait so quick to judge others are they not looking deep within their selves.  I wished I would have said this to the person last night, not to be mean but to make a point.  Just when you think you know someone you learn you don't although I should have known this consider early before I met one of the actors, this person informed He's Gay, which I thought does she know him and he's said it to her, but anyone I didn't understand what that had to do with anything, I didn't believe if the person would been white if they would have said that, they would waited for me to met them and if as the director would said something I believe then their concerns would have come out, not shouting ,he's gay. That's like someone saying and he's black.   So when I find myself judging others I ask myself to look deep inside me and I have learned a glass house shouldn't be throwing stones!  As black people life is to hard for us and we don't need to be working against each other, let people live it's not your concern and if they haven't told you, then don't point fingers and for sure don't point fingers if you fit in that same shoe.  The kettle calling the kettle black.  Energy doesn't mean a thing if you aren't connect to the truth of your energy. That thing that you call energy is just a judgement, cause if a black man with strong masculine energy and strong movements step your way you would think he's straight and on the top of that he was always calling someone a faggot and the next minute you and him are HIV POSITIVE so what happen to that energy a woman knows. Yes a woman knows not a little girl. Looking deep inside yourself and find the truth before you point any fingers and once you connect to that place. You want care because it's about letting people live thier lives.
Working on this project is helping me learn to judge other people lives and it's alway helping me with this rage and fear I have for my own people who have brought me so much grief in my life.  Let love move you and leave the judgement at the door and let God move within that space and you'll see your heart will grow and as for black folks lets focus on the things that really matters.

Changing America one Person at a time.

The teacher who taught her class about racism by having her students dress in klan Clothes. Al-Qaeda! Where are you when we need you. That teacher should be taken outside and SHOT in the back of her head, I'm sick and tired of white people just NOT CARING about other people. CNN did this doll test with children, the same test they did in the 60's , black children showed some improvement, they don't hate themselves as much, but white children, NOTHING, no change NOTHING AT all. White just don't care , They just don't care. Listen even I have rage towards my own community and I'm working through it.  I was working at work when this WHITE KID asked me to throw some paper away. This is what he said, BOY, could you throw this away.  I was shocked, because this kid was in 20's. I got upset and I told my co-workers, would you believe this WHITE GIRL told my I was being to lets  say "soft" and she said that's what's wrong that BLACK PEOPLE BLOW THINGS UP WHERE THERE IS NO NEED. A WHITE GIRL. Which made me upset, but I kept my cool and said nothing more. AMERICA is never going to change, I work for a company, where racism runs through that catering company, it's a well known company, the top of the line catering company. Although not all the WHITE FOLKS ARE RACIST, that 1% of them. I have come to realize you can't change whats part of their DNA, IT'S IN THE fiber of their souls. It runs in their blood. Hoping that they change is like hoping the DEVIL will change his color. It's just isn't going to happen. So how do we work with them?  I really don't know. It's just heartbreaking realizing that white people just don't care and don't get it. But now I understand they can't change who they are it's part of their make-up.  So I ask you to stand tall and understand that are better days are coming,It's up to us to be above their hate. Their GOD once said they not know what they do. He said it all.

NOT!

I have this fear in the pit of foot.  It's this fear that makes me not happy to be happy.  I have this project coming up and I'm so happy to have it. But I can't seem to get the script I want plus I want people to be there because it's about the work, the project and not about anything else. Not interested in any other thing, but this project that everyone has worked so hard.  Today was a good day has long has I stay out of my head and stop creating this idea of something, that I hope will never expose it's ugly face. Expose is a odd word, right to expose. I love my life it's simply and it's wonderful. I have this uncomfortable feeling hoovering over me and I"m doing everything in my power not to create something that isn't there and will never, never in this life be there. My mind can create some horrible things, That's it for right now on the matter. Today was alright, and Sunday will be alright, I'm happy to be part of the expo it's just not has relaxing as I would like it to be.

How can I get Famous?

I want my 15 minutes of fame, but I don't know what to do? I'm not white, not very good looking, just an average guy with nothing. But I would like my 15 minutes of fame. I've decided that maybe i'll go up to sunset blvd looking for stars to sleep with, the stars that are married.  Not! I couldn't sleep with my own dog if I tried. I have nothing to offer the world, nothing but a dollar and a dream, and I'm playing lotto with that dollar.  I would love to play on a soap opera as the homeless black man with the heart of gold. NOT! I could do porn, if there is porn for people who sleep with ghost. How can I get Famous? What do I need to do? I want my 15 minutes of fame got dam it! Maybe I could threaten to kill the president? Maybe, or I could rape cats? How can I get Famous got dam it! Only white people can grab that 15 minutes of fame. You think if Tiger Wood had sleep with black women any of them would be getting 15 minutes of fame? Not! But I want to be the first. So how can I get famous! I need help with this, I want 15 minutes of fame. so to anyone out there if you can help me to my 15 minutes of fame tell me and I'll do it. KILL, RAPE, MURDER, STEAL. I'll do it. Because It seems like anything can make you famous anything. So, How can I get famous? Tell me I could use your help.

The Rain Always makes me think.

Deciding on something new.  Last week was my birthday and I wish I could say I have everything I want and need. But that's so far from the truth I could almost kill myself.  I didn't have any dreams when I was a kid. I was to busy trying to stay alive. There was so much sadness in my life It's a wonder I can smile today.  My biological sperm donor father was a monster and I mean a monster. Between my father's beating my mother for breathing to fast and his kids for just looking at him. I guess I'm alright but not really.  I'm looking for something to isolate from the sadness. At one point I thought it was drugs and lots of them.  I just wanted to eat , sleep and breath drugs. But after a while it just became to heavy and to painful, plus they had stopped working. I thought sex would shield me from myself but that became to much and the stress was starting to eat at me. Nothing seemed to be working, plus there were so many other things I had to deal with about me. About me? I thought I had been thinking about me.  Everything I did I thought It was about me. I thought everyone was out to get me, hurt me, and take things away from me. So I have never loved, because I don't want anyone to take that away from me. So I haven't loved.  When It rains, I always feel like it's God telling me to wash away my worries, To start a new. To decided on something new. As a stated earlier I just had a birthday and I'm feeling like I'm choking. I don't know why I feel like I'm choking or maybe I do. I just know the rain makes me think.  Think about love, the pain of love, or the not to love, but it's not something I m looking  for in another person. Not looking for someone to love me nor have I meant anyone that I would want to love or I would want to love me.   Maybe its fear, fear is all I 've had to comfort me in my life. Fear has always been with me inside my mother's womb. I was born into a family of fear. That's the one thing that shit of father passed to me, was his fear. The rain always makes me think about my life and what road I would like to travel on. If I had a million dollars I would leave this place and travel the world. I wouldn't even pack my things. I would just leave and never look back. I have come to realize I will never love, but this journey is about me loving myself my childhood was more then just the beatings, it was about everything that could happen to a little black boy. Things I wish I hadn't been apart of.  The darkness is just starting to pass. So everytime it rains I feel like god is telling me it's alright to come out. I've washed the clouds away for you  today. The Rain Always makes me think, THIS TO SHALL PASS. I feel a lot better about me and I love being alone, not in bad way not hiding from the world, but being alone. I hated being me, so much, I hated everything about me. The  way I looked, talked, my smile, the way I dressed, my walk, everything. But know I'm starting to like me a bit and I'm not afraid of being alone,nor I'm I afraid of dying. So the rain has passed and a new day is upon me.  So maybe tomorrow it'll rain for me and once again will be telling me this to shall pass and I've washed your worries away my son.

Fishing for bad news.

I had a friend call me on Easter Sunday, at first I was very happy to hear from this friend considering we almost beat the hell out of each other. Jealousy is a terrible thing to hold in your heart.  But I was jealous and I was always trying to one up on everything. Ok, It would have never lead us to fighting, but this guy let's call him (white guy from Greenwich). Liked to bully, and I would always say no hitting, or pushing none of that not even in jokes, because I grow where fighting in the house hold was a everyday thing for my parents. I mean fighting which my sperm donor father did most of the hitting. So I knew I wasn't one of those guys that could rough play,because it would start out like play and in a second I would switch and be ready to fight. I knew that much so by the time I hit my twenties I knew that, so I did no rough playing not even for fun. My buddy would get upset and push, and shove, whatever plus I was always the only black guy in the group with had it's perks at times and there wasn't much of the ghetto fighting, guns, stealing, those bloody fights that the other people have. You know what I mean. So sooner or later we would start fighting because I wasn't going to bullied by anyone, and because he was white I allowed myself to take more then I would have if he had not been. It was madness. And back to my friend 's call,  and we haven't talked in a while and this kid kept fishing for bad news, This had happen, that had happen, food stamps, lost his job , his parents had to help him out, which could be true, but this kid wasn't the kind of person to ask for help, plus he was a hard worker. So the longer we talked the more his life got bad. It was to much and he kept asking how about you, are you getting food stamps, no, I would reply. Are you still chanting, Yes ,I would reply. Have you lost your place yet? No i haven't, oh. He was waiting for me to fail, I was a pretty mess back in school, a pretty hot mess, drugs, sex, out all night, fun drinking, gambling, my life was one big party. A PARTY OF HOT MESS.  Listen I wasn't a kind person back in school I didn't like to many people. I wasn't kind to people although many people did like me, I was the party boy, fun guy, Just don't get in my way and we'll do fine. It was all the drugs talking, and the bullshit my sorry ass parents told me and the  black community I 'm a part of I'm trying so hard to understand and forgive for being just mean. I became mean.  So I understand why the kid was wishing for bad news but kid those days are gone. YOU get nothing here , so you and your all white boy band are going to have to fine another hobby. Hoping and fishing for badnews just it's a good hobby.

Hope77Production Company - Contact Us

Hope77Production Company - Contact Us We need Your support.

Collaborative Piece Of Color

Your Support.

Collaborative Piece of Color. Rising money for a project can be difficult and scary at the sametime. I've decide to stepout of my box and try and create something dear to my heart. Getting actors and writers together to explore the black experince. Collaborative Piece Of Color was an idea Director and Writer Tiye Petersen has been brainstorming over for quite sometime-to simply tell the Black Story. It's a unique project within itself because the players will create this collaborative project a piece of color. For the actor ? reactions that will be guided by the director to reach some place of truthfullness and a deeper connection to all the players. Each actor will explore within the exercises using their instrument to create through all facets of body movement, sound, words, music all the things that tell our story-the writers will pen the journey that unfolds from this exploration of discoveries. So we are looking for supporters,if you are intersted in support us please email me and I will let you know how.

Times are hard!

Everyone is having a hard time! That's a fact, people are trying to make ends meet, take care of all the loves ones in their life. It's hard, I just listened to a friend who has had some hard times. Dui, taxes, car, court, all these things that could make one go crazy. I'm not sure I believe the entire story he told, I found sevearl loop holes , in his story, but the point is ,we all are having to trend back our budget, yes trend because we are in a new trend,"called saving and not being wasteful, and I hope this trend last a life time. My life right now is at a turning point, really going after my dream, really doing what's right and not standing in my own way. Times are hard! But we will get through it. I don't know if my friend called me to fuck with my head, to make me feel good that's he's not doing well, I don't know, 15 months ago, I would have been happy because he's this great looking likeable, lovable talented white guy, with a great family. I would have said yes. 15 months later, no,I have changed how I see the world and the peopel in it.  I have faith this kid will do great, he's smart, talented, and could have the world at his feet. We all are having a hard time! How you handle this time is what you will judge yourself on. What you do in this hard time, how you love, respect, care for others, are you eating right, taking care of your mind and soul.  Are you walking with the difficult time or are you fighting it. Fighting just brings more fighting. Times are hard , love , faith, hope, positive energy, friends, love ones,those will get you through. Times are hard, but you keep a smile on your face and it will take you through the hard times. And if my friend was fucking with my head, he did, but in a good way, because whatever he's going on in his head, I know it has nothing to do with me, no matter what. Times are hard for everyone. So focus and the good and you will have more good. Focus on the love and you will have more love.

What! The Hell!

Sometimes, I just wish everyone would just shut their pie hole.  Talking heads are every where there is no getting away from all the talking heads.  Everyone seems to have a opinion about nothing, and I mean nothing. So I say 'What the Hell'! I seem to have a problem.  I can't stop listening to all the talking heads, you know what I mean. Ok I love gossip ,right, Hollywood gossip, not the boring gossip of friends or co-workers,I really don't care about them or their lives, so I keep my noise clean when it comes to the boring people in my life. Not that their boring, They stay out of my life and I stay out of their lives. Between watching ET NEWS, CNN, MSNBC, ACCESS HOLLYWOOD, TMZ, COURT TV, it's a wonder I ever leave the house. Ok , Point I'm trying to make is I need a life, but I don't know what kind of life I need. Next month is another birthday, and it's not looking good. I'm looking good, but the birthday isn't looking good. I want their life, you know tv anchors life, report's life. A life working for one of those great gossip news papers. That would a great life doing something that I love. What the hell, but is that really a life. A life I could be proud of? I have a master's in theatre , several certificates in dance, post production, acting, writing from different programs and what do I have to show for it? 200,000 in students loans, WHAT THE HELL!  Making movies is what I really would love to do,but I can't seem to stay focus , it's like I have tripple A.D.D.. So now I'm trying to put this career in order but  I'm finding out it's hard work,'WHAT THE HELL!   Told I was at the gym doing one of the things I love working out and in the middle of running I started counting in my head how much money I had in my account after rent is paid, not much and I said to myself 'WHAT THE HELL'! At my age money shouldn't be a problem, I should be rolling into money, but I'm not.  WHAT THE HELL'! I know one person who seems to be doing good with money, What the hell, where is my money, my life , this really sucks! It's this dam birthady that's got me all crazy. Trying to make sense of this last year and all I can come up with is. 'WHAT THE HELL'!tiyemovietalk.com

Late Night Worries.

It's late and this great depression has come over me. I feel like my life isn't moving fast enough. I haven't had these feeling for sometime now and I feel alone, sad, and full of fear. My life is changing and the people I had in my life earlier are leaving one by one.  Maybe that's a good thing and maybe not?  I started this project and I had auditions and things turned out great. So pressure has come home to rest on my chest. This pressure to make this happen, to do something because that's how dreams get started, by action.  So here I am . looking at this computer and waiting for my life to change. Change is never easy, right? It seems the older I get the younger I wish, but the truth in the matter I wouldn't want to  go through my childhood again, my parents we're the worst parents in the world. A father who thought the fist had my power then words and a mother who thought her carry on purse between her legs was the answer to every man's problem or it would fix everything.  Which means my childhood was full and violence with a lot of  hard core fucking. So I wait here for my life to change, hoping something wild and crazy would happen, but it never does.  You know I'm that fool people take advantage of  because that's the kind of energy I have around me, take it  he'll never know.  But I do believe the wind is changing a bit, if I can hold on and keep from killing myself. Don't worry, I'm not planning on killing myself not right now anyway.   Next month is another birthday and I'm face with the fact that my life is half-way over. In order to have a mid-life crisis , I think you need to a have mid-life crisis money. So since I don't have the money, I guess I'm just depress and that's depressing. I look great on the outside but I don't feel great on the inside, what I mean is that my body looks good. I work out, I eat good, I stopped smoking. I don't drink nor do I drugs those days are gone. I was that guy that didn't know when to end the party. you know the one that I had the last drink and stayed up and did all the drugs while everyone slept. Yeah I was that guy but not any more. I'm that guy that smiles on the outside and goes home to eat his own organs.   I couldn't be happier I'm so happy that I can't stand to be around people for the fear they may take my happiness away.  Happiness is a hot item to have it goes for thousands of dollars on the black market or you can get it in pill form or a drink. I have it for free without anything, wow.  Now that I can get healthcare, instead of dying right way I can now prolong my death for one more day of misery.  So there you have it my late night worries. I get to go to bed with my head full of worries, which means I will not be sleeping alone because tonight my worries will keep me comfortable. Good night my readers. It sucks to be me.

Understanding The Healthcare Fight.

What do the two parties stand for? Liberals believe the role of government is regulate and oversee the economy to ensure that companies do the right thing. ( Healthcare) Conservatives  believe the proper role of the government is to regulate and oversee the morality to ensure that people are punished for immoral acts( Banning homosexual marriage). A libertarian would say something completely different  such as s the role of the government is to maintain army defense against invasion , to maintain a court system ensuring justice.    Ok, if the conservatives are the party of morals , and protecting the people from immoral acts. Would say that not giving 32 million Americans access to healthcare is a immoral act?  John Boehner as called the bill "Armageddon" , A former Speechwriter as called the passing of this bill " A Magnitude Of Disaster. And the Tea Baggers the crazies, wicked, folks who want to "Repeal the Bill". Which I don't understand.we are the only industrialized nation that doesn't offer healthcare to it's people. A healthy nation is a happy nation wouldn't you say.  Are we a country of idiots that don't care about it's people?  Now democrats are worried about their lives and so are republicans but it's kind of hard for me to care about the well being of republicans but no one should be worried about their lives. People get over it! The Bill has passed,but the noise just gets louder. 70% America Dangerously Divided by The Healthcare Debate. Divided? We are Crazy? 70% of our country is divided on this moral issue. Should we cover Americans who don't have healthcare?  This what we need to do. We can't let the republicans scream the loudest! We can't let them talk their lies. We need to get mobile because this fight is just getting started. We need to LOCK AND LOAD-'EM. The tides have turned and we need to get behind our President. We have this "Immigration battle' that is just around the corner, "Don't Ask Don't Tell battle. The party of No isn't planning on giving us anything.  I say if the TEA CRAZIES want to get crazy, I say lets get crazy with the nut cases.   I don't understand the fight. Are we a nation that cares about it's people or not? Is this a race thing? Is this them against us, them who have taken everything and given nothing? Is it them who have forgotten that this country was built by the hands of the have nothings. Every American has the right to healthcare, the right to know that their country will take care of them in the time of need. So why are we fighting, and what are we fighting for? The republicans are covered they have a good government run health insurance plan. Don't be fooled by the lies idiots!

FIGHT BACK!

Republicans are playing a dirty game, those racist. hate monsters are out to destroy the new world. White people want their country back. I think the Indians want their country back. Why is it that we the people finally get some kind of healthcare reform and the white right side is going crazy! Crazy as a Fox. The right white side are making threats, and throwing rocks into Democrats windows. We the people the Real Americans we need to fight the madness, we can't let the white right side get out of control. I have a college degree, two of them and more certificates then you can image but I have no healthcare. Ok, I'm artist trying to make it in the entertainment  business, so I choose not to have it because I can't afford it, but if I could I would. Some people think this is a hand out, but let's look at the whole picture. Poor people have medicare, Older folks have medicare and those who can afford insurance have it.   So this new reform is just going to make it more affordable for those who need a little help.  What's wrong with the white right side?  The Republicans aren't the change we need. They believe in lies and scare tactics.  I say fight fire with fire, we need to get out and fight and not let those crazies take over our country. It's a new day, a new world and I say FIGHT BACK.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Are the Republicans for the people?

Have you notice that white people are pissed that more americans are going to be able to get healthcare. Have they realized that is more white people that might be helped by this or are they so full of hate that they will turn on their own people. Now the Status Quo is going to do everything they can to over turn this healthcare bill.  The battle is just getting started. I understand I live in a country of sheep and idiots no can figure out that the republicans are lying, just lying about everything. I can't understand what is wrong with 32 million more people receiving healthcare coverage. We need to keep the democrats in power if we want to get real changes, immigration reform, don't ask don't tell. If the Democrats losing the senate and the house or just one. We the people will lose, the Republicans are the party of No and the party of Racist views. We need to go into a knew directions and the Republicans will not before the people, only the people with  money. We did it, healthcare for all. I'm not happy with this bill but it will move us in the right direction.  Please don't let those Republicans win. So will someone just shot those dam Republicans and shut them up.  I haven't figured out if the republicans are for the people, all the people or just the white people, I mean the right people.

OUT OF WORK.

November 09 was the last day I worked a full time job. I worked for this flower shop doing customer service and sales. It wasn't a bad job other then the owners we're crooks.  But that's another story, so for the last year or so I've been collecting unemployment and working part-time with a top of the line catering company and the money has just been enough to get me through. So I decide to go back to school again, for one thing my student loan payments get put on hold and I get to study something I'm passionate about which is films.  I have to say I'm getting a little lazy when it comes to looking for a job, I hate working these jobs and I'm ready to take my career by storm. I'm just not sure which way to go. But being out of work doesn't seem to be helping. I can't leave my house, I don't really feel like talking to people, I'm  not depress at all, let me make that clear. I like being alone, I really do. That's what being out of work does for me. I get to be alone, sometimes that worries me. I have no desire to be with anyone, no desire to love , but just to be out of work.  I 've been to several interviews but nothing. Things seem to go fine while I talk to them over the phone. I've had several phone interviews, with Lens Crafter, Sunglass Hut and everything seems fine, until  I come in and they realized I'm black. After that all the calls stop , I never heard from them again.  So I'm out of work for another day and it's not so bad because I get to spend it alone and that's never so bad

Film TV Jobs Employment Broadcast Recruitment - mandy.com

Film TV Jobs Employment Broadcast Recruitment - mandy.com

Ok, What the Hell is in that healthcare bill.

Ok, Call me crazy, call me foolish, but can we say, "SUCKERS"! This healthcare bill will send us to the dog house. Don't get me wrong I do think we need some kind of reform but this isn't the reform we need. Wait what I'm saying if we are really going to get reform lets get what Canada, or the British countries have  with healthcare for all. What I don't want is a water down bill with no public option.  Americans are kinda, sorta, stupid know one wants to rise TAXS, That dirty little word. No Taxes! Screw you people! Everyone's trying to get nothing for free. We already have welfare for the lazy folks , but how about us educated, working folks how about us. Yes I'm willing to pay higher taxes for healthcare. It's as simple as that. This healthcare bill is going to make many white folks rich, yes I said it. "White Folks" ! So open your eyes and tell President Obama we need real reform not this water down bill.   Most white People aren't feeling good about this change, the truth in the matter to most white people the system is perfect.  What kind of world are they living in? Yeah the White World, So the rest of us are here to take care of thier needs.  I get it, but the point is What kind of Healthcare bill are we really going to get? If there is no public option is it really healthcare reform?

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY AND NOTHING.

Next month is my birthday and I don't know what the hell to do. I don't really wanna do anything. I don't have the money nor the career yet to have a great birthday party, plus my friends are all gone. Sometimes I wish I was anyone else, but me. I  thought if I was a white male, maybe my life would have turned out different, better, I wouldn't have to work as hard as I do now. All doors would be open to me with no questions ask, or at least I could scam my way in to the top. White people (men) just don't know how bless they are.  I wanna know what means to be super rich to live a life that is out of this world. I'm not saying is easy , easy for whites they just don't have to be as good as I do. This idea about a higher education I think it only replies to minorities in most cases.  I don't think white men really need to go to school to make a good living to be successful.   You see I'm trying to get some money for this film project that is starting in one day. I guess I should be bless that I live in the Greatest Country in the world or at least that's what I've been told. Trying to live this dream. Sometimes can be a slow process but I shall keep moving forward.  So have decide that this birthday is going to be great. It's going to be great because I'm turning one year older and I'm happier then I've every been before. I have no love life, I have no job, I have no car, I have no sex life.. But I'm happy because I love my life because it's clear of inward hate. I get to work out , I'm smoke free, drug free, I don't drink. So today I can look at myself and say, "kid your going to be alright".  So you see it's not just another birthday , it's my birthday and instead of having nothing. I have everything a single guy could want.

A LOVE

I simmer in the passion of your thought., I bath in your open arms, I move through your voice as you so softly touch me.  I breath your scent as the thought of you surrounds me.  Your piercing spirit covers my soul as my knees become weaken by the flowing juices of your body.   We dance between the spaces of our lives , holding back the rivers of lust only to connect to what is deep.  Your penetrating  silents covers my genitals as they arise to cover your body with the taste of milk and honey.  Feel my body move to your rhythm , dance to your speech, and moves towards your softness.   To be your shadow , is to carry my love for we are one , same, together building a love the will rewrite the old testament and be the model example of the future realistic future, for I am your woman , you are my woman , rest your breast on my breast. You change into my strength that will protect me , I melt into your heart , I run my fingers across your manly chest , as taste my milky breast  only to be looking at me, we are the same our privates hang between our legs , as we love behind the cage of love , we are free to love , love.

Chasing The Dream.

We all have dreams. We all have these goals that we've created for ourselves. But when do chase the dream, when do you stop chasing that dream. At ten years of  age I discover I had this dream, this dream to create and like some many others I was hit with the entertainment dream, Yes I wanted to be an actor, so I started writing, organizing little shows with my brothers and sisters. I was ready to make it big but how, where , and who must I talk too.  So at 14 I discovered ballet and my life changed.  I loved the power dance give me plus It made me beautiful , sexy and I'm not the pretty boy of any bunch.  So I studied like a good little boy and I worked very hard and danced for a bit and had some success, but not the success I would have loved. So I retired and right away I studied acting at some of the best schools on the east coast.  Before going back to college and receiving a degree in film production and finishing with a master's in theatre and minor in writing.  I for a few years I was doing the stand-up thing performing at Comedy Club, Stand-up New York, Glady's Comedy room.  I've done everything in pursuit of this dream. Now I'm getting a certificate in post production. So when does chasing the dream becomes more or a waste of time. I'm not getting any younger and the club I'm trying to join seems so youth  geared , you know what I mean.  I just know when I'm creating the world seems to be so kind.  So when does one stop chasing the dream? This passion I have for the arts is the greatest love affair of my life.  So where do I go from here? How do I create the dance that could take me through the end of my life.

Meeting Time.

I've got myself into this strange world a world where I must spend time inside the rooms of NA and boy it's a world I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You walk into a room where all you hear are people crying about their lives and talking about the same issues over and over and over never moving on. It's like being in a room of retired old folks, But it's a room full of damaged folks trying to make sense of their lives. Let me say my life has gotten better and I have a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. The one thing I have learned about myself is that nothing is personal, no matter what anyone says nothing is personal. So when I go to these meetings I go with a sense of easy and love and a deeper understanding of the damage that fills the room sometimes choking you at the door. But you learn to walk through it. I don't have as much time as many of the others but I do have a understanding that I have no control over people, places or things. Sometimes the fear of  living in those rooms makes me feel progress slow and I'm not getting it. Those rooms many times I find to be negative and just so heavy.  The cycle seems to be reputations the same thing over and over and over and that worries me.  I realize the rooms are not a place to share because No one really listens to you everyone is so busy in their heads and making each and everything about them.  That no one really hears you. I had a real fear inside of comfort I got how dare you, or looks and It's funny it's alway the white people that have the most to say, so what does that really say? Those meeting are killing my belief that one can change is mind pattern, that one can change that voice in ones head. I believe in my recover, staying clean, that's not the fear, because it's a life style change, to me it's like losing weight, or trying to stop smoking, drugs are no different, addiction is addiction although people in the room would like to think their special and there a different.  This is a life style change , it's about changing your thoughts and opinions about ones self.  I hate going to the meetings but I go, I hate them because they don't make me feel hopeful but then a again it's not about how it makes me feel. It's about being practical  and doing what works for me right now in this moment. I will not let anyone run over my belief that this is a life style change and it's as simple as that.  I think it's funny thinking that people might be talking about something I've said. Talk is good and it gives people something to do with their time. Ego talking and I LOVE IT.   So meeting time is a place where you come together for one common goal to stay clean but the truth of the matter you must give up a little bit of one's thought and walk lock and barrel if you wanna stay in sync with all the rotten , diluted thoughts that curves its self in the cracks and corners of the room. Where people with with much clean time have gotten trapped in their own thoughts of madness believing that always know what's best and the ones with the slogans some to be the ones with nothing really to offer the rooms but ego and utter madness and it's that energy that dooms the rooms to remain in a place of energy that can't move freely in the rooms of NA.  So I've learned that my past is my past and anything that any one says its about them and not me no matter what is said. So to the SLOGAN GUY open your ears and listen try not to fall asleep every one minute and breath before you create your great slogans which understand that's it's not about you, it never ways and put those five years of recovery to get use.

Loveless Love Life.

I "ve never been in a relationship, never isn't that odd, strange, maybe not I'm just not looking for love or my other half, nor I'm I looking for friends , any of that. I like being alone, not needing to feel tied to anyone's madness. Are we always looking for someone to spend our lives with? Now if I meet someone who knocks me off my feet, I'll run with open arms, so far nothing. I'm open to it but I'm just not looking for love in any place. I live in this sunny town and nothing here makes me over joyed. I'm very grateful for my life and emotional my life is a lot better. I'm much happier from with in but I feel like I'm missing something, I'm happier on the inside but nothing moves me on the outside of me.  There's no real connectiom in my life nothing that makes me scream for joy.  So I have no love life, I have nothing and I like my loveless love life because I have no drama, no trying to find time to meet, no phone calls, or dinner dates, nothing and it's great. I don't get the need to couple up, I don't understand that need to feel special by someone else. Maybe I'm missing something? My life has changed in the last several years for the better and once hating being alone, I love it plus I lifted the city I loved New York City now I live in LA and it's just alright and the people are just alright, nothing special and nothing moving, just alright and that's alright.  So do I really have a loveless love life? I don't know but I'll keep asking until I do.

You've Been Dropped!

Snakes, Rats, and Fat People are the three things that scare me the most.  . I find snakes creepy , Rats just funky and fat people I just find them nasty.  Whenever I find myself in the presents of over weight people , I lose my love for people, people who can't take care of themselves.  Stop eating, it's just that easy shut up and stop ending. I was in this group and I had high hopes for this group, I wanted to teach them how to be artist, how to love the work,the art of the work.  Things we're going great, I thought I had a place in their fat chubby hearts, but little did I know they we're eating thier way around me, they we're crawling around me like Rats, trying to figure out out to drop me from thier little chub feast group. Little did I know my sickness would be the death of me. They take my heart and eat it like it was pork, pork fried beans. I said to myself I've been had, tricked, fooled, by the fat chubby, over weight, sloppy kids.   No why, what have I done to be dropped from the fat chubby kid group.  All I wanted to do was eat, eat my why out of my rejection, I wanted someone to hold me ,love me, squeeze me, as if I was a fat polar bear. I've been rejected by the fat kids on the block. Why, why! Why! I asked my GOD and he said They're fat and they don't know what they do!  I 'Cried ' I laugh , and I eat. I've never been fat, never so I don't know what it feels like not to able to see your feet or touch your ass, or only to baths the parts you can see and teach.  I don't know what it feels to be fat, but I do know what it feels like not to be able to eat that last piece of pie.

Old Friends and New People in a changing LIFE.

I feel different about the new people in my life, like I'm going backwards.  Let me explain. I have new people in my life, friends, whatever, but today I realize I don't feel the same about these new people in my life.  I use to be happy to see my friends, happy, knowing that I was going to be hanging out if them. Going out for a drink and sometimes drugs, ok, I know that's bad but that was the old me. Today  I don't drink nor do drugs. But we use to do alot of things, Go to the movies, out dancing,  shows, shopping , talk on the phone for hours, sports events, and these friends we're Black, White, Spanish, Asian, Latin , male, female, straight, gay, in between, We took trips and made real plans.  I don't feel that way about these friends. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It was like I could hang out with my old friends and not standout when it came to fashion, everyone had their own style, and it was a good style, the guys got haircuts and dressed like hip, cool, right on, the girls of course, plus my friends we're really good looking men and women, that's where I failed short, but everything else I  was right on.  The friends I have now, it's not the case, plus I always knew no matter what these friends we're going to get me out of my mood, make me happy, make me feel good, these friends not so much, I have to do it myself, and sometimes they my help out. These friends it become about a pity feast, plus these old friends had reachable dreams, like understanding what was possible and what wasn't. If you look like Will Smith you could get a Hot GIRL.  The Will Smith looking guy dated and the other guy dated also, he didn't put his life on hold, holding out for the hot girl to come along.  My point is Today while riding the bus I thought about throwing myself in front of the bus. I was just thinking WOW, the people around me don't make me happy, Now I don't need them to make me happy as I did before, but it does feel good when you see your friends and your eyes light up with joy and your heart smiles.  I don't have that anymore. Don't get me wrong I get happy over alot of things, going to the movies, talking to my friends at home, or old friends from school. Do get me wrong I enjoy the people in my life and we have a good laugh when I'm around, but it's not the same. My old friends use to inspire me sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad now I'm just indifferent, I can take it or leave it.  I had alot of pain in my past and my life was about feelings. My Old Friends just brought out all these feelings good and bad. I felt like I couldn't live without them and my life would end, and it hasn't and I no longer base my friendship on how they make my feel because if I did that I wouldn't have any new friends. Now my friends are based on a need to stay clean, yes I said stay clean, the friends I have now is about a group of people trying to stay clean and just get through the day, my old friends were about enjoying the day , taking full advantage of the time and having fun. I was the only one to take the drugs to far to the right.  One good thing about this change is that I really enjoy spending time and being by myself and I don't need my new friends to make my feel or to inspire me, I can do that by myself. I sure do miss the smile that came over my face when I saw my old friends and the joy they brought into my life. Here's to Changes.

Network Showcases and Casting Projects

Network Showcases and Casting Projects. Is this something that really opens the doors for us? Or is this something that just looks good on paper. I have been trying to get into the DGA Training Program and it has been a task, but when you look at the list of names of students. I got the feeingl if you don't have that right last name your chances of getting in are small. So now I've been trying to get an agent for a long time and I've been a part of AFTRA for a few years. So I say are they really looking for us or does it just sound good on paper. I'm not sure , But I would like to be a part of the showcases and casting projects. So tell me what I need to do.

TALKING TO GOD.

Does he really have the time to talk to people? I know peopel are are christians or some kind of faith and they are some of the most evil people in the world. They lie, cheat, steal, and that's just to name a few. So I say do God really talk to people. It's these same people who have everything they want and a good life. So I'm always asking does God really talk to you. No there is no way he would talk to you because when I look at all the evil and madness that these christians carry in there heart.  I don't know any christian that doesn't talk a good talk and every chance they get they through there god in the middle of their madness. So I say fuck God and when the people who deserve to get it starts getting it, then I'll believe in God and God here 's a list of people  i'll like for you to starte with. So does GOD talk to people hell no. So shut up about god.

Looking for Candy.

I have a crazy sweet tooth, I think about candy every second of the day or something sweet.   I would rather eat sweets then eat healthy food, but I do eat healthy food because once I eat sweets it's all over. Ok let's take about eating healthy.  I believe if you eat right you can enjoy the sweeter things in life. OK a couple of days ago I kinda got into a disagreement with a friend over old stuff. Something they told me they would take care of it. We made a movie, a short and at that time I trusted them with the project, will they told me they would get it done. Long story short, it don't play out the way it should have been. I was told to man up and it was my felt. I was so upset by this because I just wanted a copy of the project and it became a blame game which that was not on my mind, I just wanted a copy of the short film. I knew when I asked about the short how its was going to turn out. I know I was going to get told not to call them anymore and it was going to be turned on to me.  But it doesn't change that fact that I was hurt. Hurt by the choices I've made, by not paying attention to what was going on in front of me. I  understand that I need to man up to my character, and stop cheating on myself being unfaithful to that oath I took to myself and not to just think about my needs and what I want. Not showing up in a dress when everyone thinks I'm showing up in pants and  not hurting all the little ones around me. Trying to have my cake and eat it too. Not pretending my character is of outstanding material. I like candy it makes me feel good and warm all inside but if I don't take care of myself I could get fat. All that extra weight soon can get to ones head and one starts believing that the madness in their lives are do to other people problems.  So I try not to eat candy all the time because , you see I can't just eat one. 

Less Than Zero.

Do you every feel less than zero?  Like you look at your life and you wonder what's going on.  Nothing seems to be gong the way you plan.  I can't seem to get my life going. In 1998 I decide to go back to college and study film production and it was the best thing ever.  I had been out of high school for several years and I was ready to go back to school.  So I got in and out and right after that I went straight into my master's program. Now I'm getting a certificate in postproduction and nothing seems to be going my way. Don't get me wrong I love school it's going great. Just once again I was trying to get into the dga training program and once again I was turned down.  So I decide to take a look at who's getting in and it seemed to be jewish leaning and not much others.  Which I understand it's hollywood and that means I just need to try harder.  I just wanna work but I understand I need to make it happen. So where do I go from where? So I'm keeping my head up and I'm wishing for the best and putting my best foot forward. That's all I can do, I can't let the negative thoughts get into my way.  I have never been in a relationship and this year I turn 41, it's not that am a bad looking guy or I don't take care of myself, just have a fear of love. Which at times makes me feel less than zero. With the combination of not having a car in Los Angeles,or having this grand place , not having a career or the career I would like to have.  I take better care of myself now. I don't drink or do drugs anymore let's be honest, I stop smoking a month ago nad that's been great. I workout 4 to 5 days week.  But that doesn't keep me from feeling less than zero.  So I'll keep you posted on my career and love life, which I would rather have the career and love can wait. So if your feeling less than zero, remember it's just a moment and it will pass. So keep your head up and smile cause at any moment it will change.

MAN UP

Have you ever had anyone tell you not to call them anymore? Well I have many times but all those other times I was in the wrong.  Tonight I was told to MAN UP!  Which I was a little confused about that.  A couple of days ago I decide to ask a friend some question about this little  short, which I just wanted a copy of the short.  It became something else about stealing ideas, taking credit which was never on my mind. I just wanted to know if I could get a copy and when I couldn't get an anwser about getting acopy. My mind was a little in my head. I was never thinking this person would steal ideas.  Everything we do, it's about character ,. I had a drug problem, which tells someone a little bit about my character. My father was a cheater in was in faithful to my mother, that tells alot about his character.  I have a cousin who decide to get married to someone else and tells her boyfriend over the phone and they we're still together, that say's alot about her character. Dishonest is what these people have a common and if you part take any of these you are a dishonest person. It's our job to take responsibility for our own lives.   Some people are real good at pass the buck, trust me I have been around the best and I have watched the professionals at work. Never taking responisbility for what they have done always blaming ever people, my father, mother, boyfriends, girlfriends whatever. Can't we all just get along. So today I lost a friend if we were every friends but I like how people go just through away 14 years like nothing, because you decide to ask questions.  So today I man up, I man up because I'm the master of my future and I must do what I must do.  Maybe I'm a joke to the people around me , the black people around me. So what does that say about black people no real support. Thank you for listen

Health Care Summit.

Can we say what the hack was that all about. For all those who thought the party of no was going to bend , you were sadly mistaken. We heard nothing but noise and words and the party of idiots sound like they may be getting somekind of back bone. I don't know but will see in the next several weeks to come. I was at 7 am my time to watch the greatest show on earth the Healthcare Summit, I had front row seats. Tell me what you thought about this ass show of idiots and government rats. I'll tell you this healthcare bill will not have any real reform not without the public option, go Dems lets make history fools.

Miss understood.

I thought for a second we had an understanding, that my back was covered and my life was going to be better. We would work together and change the world. But I think I miss understood what was going on. I would give you all that I had and you would make a profit. You would share the profit with those who needed it the most. That was what I thought but I guess I miss understand what was going on. So why say I didn't, I didn't know, that wasn't the plan. I think you knew what your were doing. If a person cheats will married wouldn't you say that person is dishonest. Listen I worried about burning bridges , will you don't wanna getting anyone upset but if anyone gets upset because I asked questions then something is wrong. I just missed the work, I was so pride of the work and I big dreams and hopes, so I kept my head up and a smile in the sky hoping for change. Nothing changed for me but everything changed for you. Today I talk to myself and I ask what should I have done. I feel miss understood from within.

Things Don't Add Up.

Have you ever felt like you've been suckered into believe someone else's con game. Someone promises you all this great stuff. Stick with me and we'll get to hollywood. So you go forward with very little questions ask. Before you know your ideas you help with are on tv or scripts your right there on the big screen and something inside you go, huh, it's a feeling you get, you know and you starting wondering is this possible. The more you ask the more you realize that person could have sold those ideas. They have the means and the people around them to do that. Black people have no problem with using other black people if it means that get to live their lives. I keep thinking about all these things have happen that make me say. Something doesn't add up. There is to many things and all I need is questions answered and for people to say. No and I am sorry I did that. I should have talked to you and been more clear. Plus I sight something with this person and that may ne how that we're able to sell this and use that signture to justify thier actions. I've had these feelings for about 8 years. Which I shared with my best friend every step of the way. My thoughts and concerns and what I thought. I wanted to know what she thought and if that was possible. Judging by this person character it's possible.

Feel Good.

Today was a feel good day. Not because anything wonderful happened , it was just a good day. You know those kind of days when you wake-up and you feel like you are on top of the world. Today was just that day. I went to class today and had a great class. T talked to an old classmate and that went great. Now I'm having a great cup of coffee and I'm feeling even better. I love my life it's days like this that I remember how blessed I am. So just look around you and think about how blessed you are with all the love and people around you. Even if you don't know them because you could be six feet under and that's no fun. So life is where it's happening so go out and make love to life and feel good doing it.

OMG, I CAN'T FIND MY SHOES.

I can't seem to stop thinking about these shoes. I came across this great pair of shoes and I can't seem to stop thinking about them. They seem to have taken over my every thought my every movement. So what can I do about these shoes that I can't afford to buy all I can do is just look at them. Ok let me be honest I've been out of work for almost two years. I'm working for this catering company but I only work when that have work so I'm under employed , and it's not so bad. I'm back in school getting a certificate in post-production to go with my masters in theatre and creative writing. So let me go back to the shoes. I haven't been able to buy a pair of shoes in a long time and I don't know about you but I'm so sad. After all the disappointment with creative joint adventures a pair of shoes would really make me feel good about myself. I know there is something about having some great looking shoes on your feet. That tells the world I am here and screw you. So I seem not to be able to find my shoes. I have many pairs of shoes but they don't feel this void. So I'm going through my closet and I get seem to find my shoes.

Catch the Wind.

Have you every wanted to catch the wind? Like take a ride on the wind, catch the breeze as it lands on the tip of your nose. Today was that kind of day, a day that was full of breeze and wind. It started out little off because I choose to act out on the pass not lettinng things go. Sometimes it's hard trying to make sense of things that sometimes don't. I was let down today, let down for a moment because I couldn't catch the wind. I let so many things get away from my hand because of drama and sadness. My last three blogs are about me and whats going on with me and nothing but me. Today I will catch a ride on the wind. So be happy for me.

Searching deep within .

What happens when everything you believed in as just been turn inside out? I don't know what to do or where to go, who to talk to and who not to talk too. You see have this burning image in my head that I can't just walk away from. It's this idea that love is something that we need, we want, we can't live without. I don't know much about love as much as I know about mind fucks. I can't believe it's not shit. Can you explain to me what happen? What was your goal in this little project, did I miss some little detail of the master plan. It's a burning question have had lurking in my mind for years. I think it's funny how people try to make you feel as if your doing something wrong by asking questions. I think it's funny how people have created this false image of themselves and of you. I come across as a little off maybe crazy but I'm very aware even doing my darkness days I was very aware of what was going on between the bigs lights and kind words and quick god like speeches that were ment to mask the prince as he charmed you out of your house and home. Charmed you out of your heart and your love. Made you feel as if your actions wasn't clear and their actions were. I found myself in this rabbit hole trying to dig myself up towards the light. Not allowing myself to walk in the darkness alone. I tricked myself in believing in my own drama. So when I like in the mirror I see the light and the darkness as shift. I now walk in the light with my head help up high. I am ready to fight for the life I want and love the life I have. I will not let you lead me into the darkness for I see what I have in my and no more dancing around the truth.

Facing The Monster.

Sometimes we must find the strength to stand up for ourselves no matter what the cost. For several years I've had this chewing question bitting at my ears. So I decide to ask the question , I decide to step out of my dream state and take charge. Several years ago I had this drug problem which seemed to get in the way of me seeing the truth that lies beneath the surface of every monster. The monster that dresses herself as a kind , warm , loving, soul pretending to walk beside you in this world of madness. But two years later I can say I'm free of the monster that carried me through my life. I understand some and I see people even when I can't sometimes see myself. So what should I do with this miss understanding that I'm having? How do I clear the air so the light can shine? I can no longer be blamed or made to feel I have done anything wrong by asking the question, searching for the truth between all the words. I was so worried that I would lose my choice to leave my dream because If I asked too many questions, I would lose that chance. while I started school in 98 and now it's 2010 and between that time I have seen ideas played out on air and on screen and things disappear in thin air. I've walked through this crazy belief that I wasn't lovaible and Know one cared. Which I know that monster has come and gone. I no longer believe that and I see. I see you and it's just as clear as yesturday. I have faced the monster and monster has been defeated and I can walk with my head help up high, because I'm free to See the truth that lies underneath the surface of the monster.

Movie Time: Making Sense of The NonSense.

Movie Time: Making Sense of The NonSense.

Making Sense of The NonSense.

When someone show you who they are the first time you better believe them. Some people are able to mask thier faces pretty good and they have mastered the kind words and the god speeches pretty goood. But sooner or later the mask starts to fall and the truth reveals itself. I created this short film and everything was going great until I let my guard down I put my hard earn money into this short, got the cast and got the crew, the locations expect one location, and the day we shot Ihad someone else PAY for the food and got us the office location. We we're going to put this into the film festival and so I trusted them with getting the tape edited and getting copies to me and actors, but this where the story goes dark, it's like writing treatments and all the treatments you wrote the shows later showed up on mtv and it's like writing a screenplay about couples and then there's a movie made kinda like your story, to many things just happens and there is always this through line and you say ok, if it walks like a duck sounds like a duck it must be a duck. Theses things are jagging around in my head and the picture it's add up and doesn't make any kind of sense. So where does the truth lies where does the story come to and end. I share this with you because I can't seem to understand what's going on and where the lies end and the truth begins what's in my head and what's out side of my head.

A Fool For To Long.

TO FAT TO FLY!

Kevin Smith is milking this to fat to fly. I can't understand all the media bliss about a fat white guy who can't fly. He's a white male and for the first time someone said no. To fat to fly! Lose the fat weight, I think if your are to fat you shouldn't being doing much of anything. You shouldn't fly, teach young children, work around food, in any kind of retail, if you're to fat you shouldn't leave the house. We don't let people with drug problems work, or teach until they get healthier. We should do the same to fat people, lose the weight or don't go out in public. Americans are just fat and lazy, stupid group of people. Plus this is about Kevin Smith new movie Cop Out, that's what this is about, when he dies of fat heart attack then I'll feel sorry for his FAT WHITE ASS. Until then get into a gym. I don't feel sorry for the whites guy! Sorry When racism ends then I'll feel sorry for white guys of any kind until then Hell no! Kevin Smith get over it! He's not really upset it's about his movie COP OUTt! I hope it flips!

SHUTTER ISLAND.

Today was the opening of SHUTTER ISLAND, DIRECTED BY MARTIN SCORSESE, starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Williams, Max Von Sydow. This movie will have you all over the place. You will be rooting for the lead charcacter to figure out this nightmarsh dream. Each character plays his or her part will. Martin Scorsese sets up a beautiful world of something evil is going on at that hospital. To me it had this Roman Polanski feel to it which was great. I can tell you how much I enjoyed this film it was really great it is worth it's gold and silver it doesn't miss a beat. So if you wanna see a great film, with great acting strong story line beautiful scenery and let's not forget that music. You know as soon as the movie starts things are not what they seem. You just don't know how. So get your asses out of the house and go see a grown up movie and enjoy. And yes there is something in it for the girls also.

Valentine's Day

I just saw Valentine's Day and I thought is was ok, it was a great movie for V day, but not so great after V-day-. I thought it had some great moments. Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah looked out of place and Why, they were the taken black folks, Jamie Foxx looked to old and Jessica Biel, not a match it wasn't that he was black its that he looked to old, and yes if he had been white I could have believed it ,but you don't see many hot young white girls falling for old black man, did not work,wasn't believable, I love Julia Roberts part, there is a fun surprise which I really enjoyed and I thought the two guys that deliver that story we're perfect. Patrick Dempsey it worked, I love the message it had with the young couples Garry Marshall did great on that part. Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway looked so good together , I thought they made a great couple. Over all I give it a D since Valentines Day is over and the movie had I watched on that day would made me smile, and happy for love and it's lovers, But that wasn't the case, I thought everyone over acted, and the message was so stupid Jessica Biel should return to 7 heaven , she sucked! Taylor Swift please no more acting, I thought she sucked ASS, Everytime she came on screen I wanted to shove my head up my own ass hole, Hector Elizondo Shirley Maclaine aren't they dead yet. Taylor Lautner isn't there a gay porn you could be working own. George Lopez, the Token other guy. To much going on, I thought Queen Latifah and Kathy Bates should have been each other Valentines, instead of Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane what the fuck was that , Jessica Alba what a waste Why, To many stars and to little acting and Fuck the story between the young girls talking about waiting, Today's youth is all about sex and you know their fucking so have them show some ass and fuck, so weak, Garry Marshall what we're you thinking? Go see the movie and be the judge for yourself. Come back and tell me what you thought. Asthon Kutcher and Jennifer Garner watching my mother being gang fucked by midgets with big dicks would have been better than that shit, what was he thing and the little boy. I just wanted to shot the dam kid in his head. The movie had a great we are the world feel and I think we are the world SUCK HOMELESS BALLS. save your money for a hand job this movie sucked cancer ass.